Former President Bush Raves About Fahrenheit 911

Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson, in for Khalid Azar who is still unofficially missing in action. Dissident Michael Moore’s polemic Fahrenheit 911 opened in Manhattan yesterday to liberal exhortation and conservative ballyhoos. The film, distributed through Al-Jazeera and sold to a division of Miramax has stirred controversy on both sides of the aisle. Writer-director Kevin Smith has received a number of death threats from rabid conservatives who have apparently mistaken him for Michael Moore. Smith’s own controversial work, Jersey Girl was also distributed through Al-Jazeera’s film studios. He released a statement earlier today.
“Look, I know we have a sort of resemblance and all, and we’re both liberal smart-asses, but I haven’t received this many death threats since the last time Ben Affleck blew off one of my premieres. Just in case any of Bush’s snipers are here today, I’m not Michael Moore. I repeat, I’m not Michael Mo—“
Before finishing his last sentence, Kevin Smith was shot in the abdomen, apparently by FBI snipers under the direct supervision of Attorney General John Ashcroft. Let’s see the clip again, although I warn you, it is extremely gruesome. . .
“I repeat, I’m not Michael Mo—“
”That’s for every schmuck who got me with the stinkpalm trick, you hack!”

We are told that is the voice of Attorney General John Ashcroft, apparently making reference to the juvenile sleeper hit “Mallrats” which Smith directed and starred in. Ashcroft could not be reached for comment, but his aides assure us that Smith was not mistaken for Moore. The aide, who spoke under condition of anonymity, tells us that Smith and Moore are believed to have met several times in mid-April and that Smith offered to harbor Moore in the event of the firestorm currently brewing over Fahrenheit 911. A search of Smith’s home did not reveal the whereabouts of Moore, who has melodramatically withdrawn to a ‘secure and undisclosed location.’


Wanted dissident Michael Moore, currently in a 'secure and undisclosed location.' 

In other news, former President George H. W. Bush attended the Manhattan screening of Fahrenheit 911 and spoke with reporters after the screening.
“Simply mind-blowing! I mean, I had no idea my family had such close ties with the Saudis. I also had no idea my kid was such a lazy prick. I sent the kid to Yale and tried to teach him right from wrong, but he was apparently too busy blowing nose candy to listen. If I can get through on the line I’m also going to have to talk to him about me missing my tee time on September 11th while the whole Bin Ladin family got a free ride back to Saudi airspace. And what’s this whole shady business about a recount in Flor–“
Seconds later the former President was also shot in the abdomen, we’re told by a Moore supporter who mistook the former President for the current one. Sources tell us that former Vice-President Al Gore has been brought in for questioning and there is no more information at this time.
That’s the news on the hour, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.

The Truth "They" Don't Want You to Know

Conspiracy Corner Presents: Liberty Pilgrim

Good evening, I’m Liberty Pilgrim, in for Noam Chomsky, and this is Conspiracy Corner. Tonight we’ll be dealing with a conspiracy theory that stems entirely from a secret right-wing agenda to control the pace of research and “stem” the flow of abortion.
As you may remember, in early 2001, the Tri-Lateral Commission forced President Bush to oppose embryonic stem-cell research because the Grays are concerned that advanced genetic knowledge on the part of the human race will uncover their own sinister experiments.
The CIA has been turning a blind eye for years as the Grays have kidnaped thousands if not millions of humans and performed intrusive and painful anal probes and conducted inter-species sexual relations with them. Until recently, the purpose of these experiments has remained elusive.
But, after communing with the Trees today, I have uncovered the answer. I was anxiously checking my email today to see if anyone had posted comments as to my last broadcast: “Did Chandra Levy Discover that Gary Condit is Actually an Alien?” when I discovered twelve “spam” emails asking me if I wanted to enlarge my penis. Since my penis was forcibly taken from me by the Grays in my previous life as John F. Kennedy (see my article, “The Real Findings of the Warren Commission,” I first thought this “spamming” must be some kind of mistake. Then I started thinking about the real issues, like what is “spam,” and who would benefit from “enlarging” my no-longer-existing penis?


This is a picture of me in my previous incarnation. 

I must admit that I was at a loss until a high-placed friend in the Secret Service told me about Ronald Reagan’s assassination. I mean, hasn’t anyone noticed that no one ever had Alzheimer’s until after the Roswell Crash of 1947? It’s not like these diseases appear out of nowhere. Then I started thinking about how everyone thinks that embryonic stem cells could potentially contain the cure to thousands of diseases like Alzheimer’s. If this was obviously the case, who would stand to gain from limiting the number of embryonic stem cells in circulation? As usual, the answer turns out to be. . . The Government and its Big Brothers, Big Business and the Grays.
The right-wing cabal in control of our government has no desire to see its biggest campaign donors, the Grays and the drug companies disabled by miracle cures. Instead, the Bush Junta has attempted to distract the scientists by focusing their attention on adult stem cells. The problem with adult stem cells for human researchers is that they are both already specialized and harder to come by. The most effective means of obtaining adult stem cells is from the sex organs. Just as an aside, the other major scientists interested in adult stem cells are the Grays, hence the anal probes and inter-species sex.
What better way to develop a pool of “willing” experimental donors than to consistently flood the communications networks with “spam” asking men if they want to enlarge their penises?
Documentation I have obtained that is still classified shows evidence of a sinister Gray plot. The Grays “tag” the unwitting victims who take these enlargement formulas. These enlargement formulas truly do nothing except promote the growth of adult stem cells. At a later date, our not-so- friendly neighbors from the heavens swing by and collect the victims and their increased adult stem cells. If you’re not convinced, check out Whitley Streiber’s influential article “The Nephilim: The Real Reason Ancient Peoples Practiced Circumcision.” Until then, you’re just a (excuse the pun) tool of the system. This has been Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner.

Nothing to Worry About

Good, evening, this is Taylor Robinson. You may or may not remember our broadcast from a few moments ago. All viewers are to be advised, as per Order 4175a of the revised Patriot Act, that the events you believe you may have seen only moments ago did not happen. There was never, nor shall there ever be in the future, a well-armed cadre of telekinetic rhesus monkeys at Arizona State University hellbent on restoring their species as the dominant force at the top of the food chain. All viewers are advised never to question this order or to believe in the events you think you have just seen.

In other news, Attorney General John Ashcroft was called to Congress today to testify about retroactively classified memos regarding specific definitions of “torture.” In response, he called yet another press conference advising the nation to raise its terror alert level to Burnt Umber, the third highest level, but refused to go into further details. Ashcroft spoke to reporters earlier today:
“I won’t say why we’re raising it, I will only say that there is credible evidence of a substantial threat that may possibly be made sometime in the near future. We know nothing of the terrorist plans, but we somehow know that they have moved into a sinister ‘Phase Two’ of operations. It may or may not be biochemical, nuclear, or conventional in nature. That is all,”
On a related note, Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge remains unseen since a juggling performance on The Late Show with David Letterman last Thursday. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld released a statement claiming that it is definitely not related to the Arizona Incident the viewers did not see moments ago. We are to be assured that Tom Ridge is at home with his family, ensuring that all of his windows are sealed with the recommended amounts of duct tape.


Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge has not been seen since his juggling performance on "The Late Show with David Letterman."  

In further news, gas prices have risen to a whopping five dollars a gallon this week. Domestic oil companies, as usual, blamed OPEC and the rising cost of securing oil reserves in Iraq. President Bush traveled to Saudi Arabia today where he addressed the issue at the G7.5 Summit:
“I ask, as the ambassador of goodwill of the United States of America, have mercy on us for Christ.. . I mean Allah’s sake. In America we need oil to fuel our trucks which ship products and food all over the world. I mean, all you people use it for is ransom against us and for money to buy weapons from us to suppress your own people. So, I come to you today, resolute. If you don’t quit being a bitch and pony up with the oil, we’re going to stop exporting the weapons you use against us and your own people. Also, we might bomb the ever-living shit out of you. Thanks you very much,”
National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice clarified his statement a moment later, reassuring the members of the G7.5 Summit that President Bush was referring to OPEC countries and not the members of the Summit. Russian President Vladimir Putin began pounding his combat boot on the table to bring order to the group once he was assured that Russia was safe from Operation Ever-Living-Shit-Out-Of.
That’s the news as it happens. This is Taylor Robinson for the newly renamed Dieboldt Patriot News.

New Animal Testing Gives Monkeys Frightening Telekinetic Powers

Recently an unnamed source who contributed to the April 30th Nature article concerning the movement of computer cursors via electrodes implanted in monkey’s brains has come forward with startling new information. Apparently some of the rhesus monkeys in the experimental group have started to manifest these powers when not attached to their computers.
The reports were first dismissed as the overactive imaginings of the janitorial staff, but the recent death of the scientist in charge of the experiments has sparked an internal investigation. Dr. Andrew Schwartz was found dead Wednesday, buried in a pile of fecal matter, reportedly flung in dissatisfaction by the monkeys. Police have not ruled out foul play, but they have yet to pose an alternate theory.
The initial reports of strange activity were claimed by the head janitor, Manuel Brazosfuerte. Khalid Azar is on the scene live,
“Thank you Taylor, this is Khalid Azar reporting. I’m here today at Arizona State University to speak with Manuel Brazosfuerte, the man who first noticed the strange behavior of the rhesus monkeys. Mr. Brazosfuerte, please describe in detail what you saw and how you believe it is related the recent death of Dr. Schwartz,”
“I was waxing the floors, real nice for the cameras, like Dr. Schwartz say. I used to bring bananas for monkeys, but Dr. Schwartz told me no more bananas. I have bananas in my bag and was waxing the floor and bananas start flying out of my bag. I see monkeys reach for them and they go flying in the air to monkeys. I tell Dr. Schwartz the next day and he laugh, threaten to fire me. I told him I did not give monkeys bananas but he show me camera. I told him tape was from different day, but he did not crear. . . believe me.”
“Yes, we’ve also heard that these monkeys may have started their own blog, or weblog, which consists mostly of posts attempting to contact a mysterious Mr. Sasquatch to break them out of this laboratory. There are also entreaties to various celebrities like Susan Sarandon and Alicia Silverstone. The amazing thing about this is that they haven’t been connected to a computer since the experiments cited in April 30th’s issue of Nature were completed.
Earlier today I had a chance to speak with Hans Gunter, the head of security in these laboratories. Here’s what he had to say. . .
“Hi, this is Khalid Azar and I’m here with Hans Gunter of the University of Arizona. Mr. Gunter, what’s your take on these strange occurrences?”
“Ze monkeys move zhings with zeir minds! Ze ozher day zhey pick up my gun and it float over my head! Vhy did ve teach monkeys to uze computahs? Ze vill shoot us all!!”

“As you can see, these monkeys are generating quite a bit of discomfort. . .....”

“This is Taylor Robinson, we’re apparently experiencing some technical diff- - ahhhh!!“

END OF TRANSMISSION

Thought-control

Thought-control

Nation Gearing Up for Star-Studded Funeral to Mourn Reagan

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced, with yet another self-pointing movie reference, "Reagan's funeral will be the greatest Action Funeral the state of California has ever seen!"
Actor Charlton Heston has agreed to play Ronald Reagan in a 'modern retelling' of "Bedtime for Bonzo." The 1950's comedy will be remade with modern political overtones. Former Russian prime minister Mikhail Gobachev has agreed to a cameo in an epilogue to the film in which he and Boris Yeltzin will shotgun bottles of vodka in mourning of the former Leader of the Free World while the soundtrack continuosly blares Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall".
No word on whether the monkey from "Friends" has agreed to play the role of Bonzo. Roddy MacDowell has agreed to stand-in for the monkey in the event of a scheduling conflict.
Former President Clinton has agreed to have "simulated" oral sex on camera with a Reagan-era intern as a monument to the love Reagan held for the American dream.


Actor Roddy MacDowell has agreed to stand in for the monkey from "Friends" in the remake of "Bedtime for Bonzo."  

To mark the impact Reagan's presidency had on the Arab world, Osama Bin Ladin has sent to the Reagan library a copy of a bounced check the former president sent him during the mid 1980's. The memo section of the check reportedly reads "Weapons of frightening power to be used against Soviet infidels."
CNN will continue to play continuous security camera footage of Reagan's coffin while current President Bush plans to "accidentally" bomb a French embassy as a tribute to the former president, "I'm gonna go bomb one for the Gipper."
Presumed Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry has gone on a hunger strike for campaign donations this week and is apparently being fed money intravenously by a trade union steward. According to Democratic chairman Terry McAuliffe, the tragic death of former President Reagan due to Alzheimer's has not ruled out the possibility that he will be asked to be Senator Kerry's running mate.
This is celebrity host David Hasselhoff, in for Khalid Azar, who is currently in the bathroom. You're watching NRA Time Warner AOL RJ Reynold MSN CNN FOX, where the news happens so fast you'd think we're making it up as we go along.

This Just In

This Just In. . .
Khalid Azar

Lobbing the exhumed, flaming skull of Senator Joe McCarthy at President Bush during a campaign stop in Cleveland, OH today; an ACLU lawyer from the future missed striking the President directly with anything but shrapnel. He reportedly wore a futuristic business suit and two masks bearing the likenesses of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan, respectively. Our experts tell us this may cause all future political campaigning to occur through television. It may take years to know if this is accident or design, for the man from the future was gunned down immediately and never questioned. The only public clues to his identity are an ACLU business card, embedded on a microchip with unrecognizable personal information, and a business suit that somehow continuously flashes in red, Arabic script, “Mission Accomplished.”
In other news, Canada has adopted an emergency quota system for American refugees seeking political asylum there. Millions of people are flocking to the border after Acting President Cheney announced the emergency reinstatement of the draft today. This was his first action as Acting President.
We’re told President Bush is being given laughing gas and a fake red phone playing a recording of Charleton Heston reading the Bible being played softly under a Jeff Foxworthy routine to ease the pain from severe head trauma. The press is being told to keep all pretzels at least five hundred yards from the President. He may have received this trauma from smoldering fragments of Senator McCarthy’s skull which embedded themselves like Geraldo Rivera into President Bush’s eyes, ears, and throat.
Colin Powell and Howard Stern are rumored to be held captive in Guantanamo where unconfirmed reports say they share a cell with former Haitian President Aristide, former President Charles Taylor of Liberia, and someone who is either Saddam Hussein or just some poor waiter from Karbala. Osama Bin Ladin was not said to be amongst them.
Acting President Cheney cannot be reached for comment, but newly appointed Chief of Staff Donald Rumsfeld has released a statement calling for calm in the face of this unforseen tragedy. He claims that the Rehnquist-issued gag order of John Kerry will be lifted as soon as President Bush regains consciousness and executive power. We are to be assured that the President is enjoying top-notch medical care from a renowned but unnamed Jewish doctor, and that the disappearance of Ralph Nader and the entire Clinton family may or may not be isolated incidents. The government is looking closely into this matter and Acting President Cheney will make an announcement later tonight on the Carson Daley show. . .


Newly Appointed Secretary of Defense Michael Eisner 

Also, newly appointed Secretary of Defense Michael Eisner has issued an arrest for dissident Micheal Moore. If seen he is to be shot on sight, but only in one of his legs. A briefing with Secretary Eisner a moment ago revealed no new information other than The National Anthem has been changed to "It's a Small World."
More news as it arrives, this is Khalid Azar for AOL Time Warner Fox News. . . News that is so up-to-date, the viewers know before we do. . .