This Just In

This Just In. . .
Khalid Azar

Lobbing the exhumed, flaming skull of Senator Joe McCarthy at President Bush during a campaign stop in Cleveland, OH today; an ACLU lawyer from the future missed striking the President directly with anything but shrapnel. He reportedly wore a futuristic business suit and two masks bearing the likenesses of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan, respectively. Our experts tell us this may cause all future political campaigning to occur through television. It may take years to know if this is accident or design, for the man from the future was gunned down immediately and never questioned. The only public clues to his identity are an ACLU business card, embedded on a microchip with unrecognizable personal information, and a business suit that somehow continuously flashes in red, Arabic script, “Mission Accomplished.”
In other news, Canada has adopted an emergency quota system for American refugees seeking political asylum there. Millions of people are flocking to the border after Acting President Cheney announced the emergency reinstatement of the draft today. This was his first action as Acting President.
We’re told President Bush is being given laughing gas and a fake red phone playing a recording of Charleton Heston reading the Bible being played softly under a Jeff Foxworthy routine to ease the pain from severe head trauma. The press is being told to keep all pretzels at least five hundred yards from the President. He may have received this trauma from smoldering fragments of Senator McCarthy’s skull which embedded themselves like Geraldo Rivera into President Bush’s eyes, ears, and throat.
Colin Powell and Howard Stern are rumored to be held captive in Guantanamo where unconfirmed reports say they share a cell with former Haitian President Aristide, former President Charles Taylor of Liberia, and someone who is either Saddam Hussein or just some poor waiter from Karbala. Osama Bin Ladin was not said to be amongst them.
Acting President Cheney cannot be reached for comment, but newly appointed Chief of Staff Donald Rumsfeld has released a statement calling for calm in the face of this unforseen tragedy. He claims that the Rehnquist-issued gag order of John Kerry will be lifted as soon as President Bush regains consciousness and executive power. We are to be assured that the President is enjoying top-notch medical care from a renowned but unnamed Jewish doctor, and that the disappearance of Ralph Nader and the entire Clinton family may or may not be isolated incidents. The government is looking closely into this matter and Acting President Cheney will make an announcement later tonight on the Carson Daley show. . .


Newly Appointed Secretary of Defense Michael Eisner 

Also, newly appointed Secretary of Defense Michael Eisner has issued an arrest for dissident Micheal Moore. If seen he is to be shot on sight, but only in one of his legs. A briefing with Secretary Eisner a moment ago revealed no new information other than The National Anthem has been changed to "It's a Small World."
More news as it arrives, this is Khalid Azar for AOL Time Warner Fox News. . . News that is so up-to-date, the viewers know before we do. . .