Former President Bush Raves About Fahrenheit 911
Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson, in for Khalid Azar who is still unofficially missing in action. Dissident Michael Moore’s polemic Fahrenheit 911 opened in Manhattan yesterday to liberal exhortation and conservative ballyhoos. The film, distributed through Al-Jazeera and sold to a division of Miramax has stirred controversy on both sides of the aisle. Writer-director Kevin Smith has received a number of death threats from rabid conservatives who have apparently mistaken him for Michael Moore. Smith’s own controversial work, Jersey Girl was also distributed through Al-Jazeera’s film studios. He released a statement earlier today.
“Look, I know we have a sort of resemblance and all, and we’re both liberal smart-asses, but I haven’t received this many death threats since the last time Ben Affleck blew off one of my premieres. Just in case any of Bush’s snipers are here today, I’m not Michael Moore. I repeat, I’m not Michael Mo—“
Before finishing his last sentence, Kevin Smith was shot in the abdomen, apparently by FBI snipers under the direct supervision of Attorney General John Ashcroft. Let’s see the clip again, although I warn you, it is extremely gruesome. . .
“I repeat, I’m not Michael Mo—“
”That’s for every schmuck who got me with the stinkpalm trick, you hack!”
We are told that is the voice of Attorney General John Ashcroft, apparently making reference to the juvenile sleeper hit “Mallrats” which Smith directed and starred in. Ashcroft could not be reached for comment, but his aides assure us that Smith was not mistaken for Moore. The aide, who spoke under condition of anonymity, tells us that Smith and Moore are believed to have met several times in mid-April and that Smith offered to harbor Moore in the event of the firestorm currently brewing over Fahrenheit 911. A search of Smith’s home did not reveal the whereabouts of Moore, who has melodramatically withdrawn to a ‘secure and undisclosed location.’
Wanted dissident Michael Moore, currently in a 'secure and undisclosed location.'
In other news, former President George H. W. Bush attended the Manhattan screening of Fahrenheit 911 and spoke with reporters after the screening.
“Simply mind-blowing! I mean, I had no idea my family had such close ties with the Saudis. I also had no idea my kid was such a lazy prick. I sent the kid to Yale and tried to teach him right from wrong, but he was apparently too busy blowing nose candy to listen. If I can get through on the line I’m also going to have to talk to him about me missing my tee time on September 11th while the whole Bin Ladin family got a free ride back to Saudi airspace. And what’s this whole shady business about a recount in Flor–“
Seconds later the former President was also shot in the abdomen, we’re told by a Moore supporter who mistook the former President for the current one. Sources tell us that former Vice-President Al Gore has been brought in for questioning and there is no more information at this time.
That’s the news on the hour, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.
Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson, in for Khalid Azar who is still unofficially missing in action. Dissident Michael Moore’s polemic Fahrenheit 911 opened in Manhattan yesterday to liberal exhortation and conservative ballyhoos. The film, distributed through Al-Jazeera and sold to a division of Miramax has stirred controversy on both sides of the aisle. Writer-director Kevin Smith has received a number of death threats from rabid conservatives who have apparently mistaken him for Michael Moore. Smith’s own controversial work, Jersey Girl was also distributed through Al-Jazeera’s film studios. He released a statement earlier today.
“Look, I know we have a sort of resemblance and all, and we’re both liberal smart-asses, but I haven’t received this many death threats since the last time Ben Affleck blew off one of my premieres. Just in case any of Bush’s snipers are here today, I’m not Michael Moore. I repeat, I’m not Michael Mo—“
Before finishing his last sentence, Kevin Smith was shot in the abdomen, apparently by FBI snipers under the direct supervision of Attorney General John Ashcroft. Let’s see the clip again, although I warn you, it is extremely gruesome. . .
“I repeat, I’m not Michael Mo—“
”That’s for every schmuck who got me with the stinkpalm trick, you hack!”
We are told that is the voice of Attorney General John Ashcroft, apparently making reference to the juvenile sleeper hit “Mallrats” which Smith directed and starred in. Ashcroft could not be reached for comment, but his aides assure us that Smith was not mistaken for Moore. The aide, who spoke under condition of anonymity, tells us that Smith and Moore are believed to have met several times in mid-April and that Smith offered to harbor Moore in the event of the firestorm currently brewing over Fahrenheit 911. A search of Smith’s home did not reveal the whereabouts of Moore, who has melodramatically withdrawn to a ‘secure and undisclosed location.’
Wanted dissident Michael Moore, currently in a 'secure and undisclosed location.'
In other news, former President George H. W. Bush attended the Manhattan screening of Fahrenheit 911 and spoke with reporters after the screening.
“Simply mind-blowing! I mean, I had no idea my family had such close ties with the Saudis. I also had no idea my kid was such a lazy prick. I sent the kid to Yale and tried to teach him right from wrong, but he was apparently too busy blowing nose candy to listen. If I can get through on the line I’m also going to have to talk to him about me missing my tee time on September 11th while the whole Bin Ladin family got a free ride back to Saudi airspace. And what’s this whole shady business about a recount in Flor–“
Seconds later the former President was also shot in the abdomen, we’re told by a Moore supporter who mistook the former President for the current one. Sources tell us that former Vice-President Al Gore has been brought in for questioning and there is no more information at this time.
That’s the news on the hour, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 8:28 PM
1 Comments:
Is there any truth to the rumor that Michael Moore will be playing the young Baron Harkonnen who will fight the young Annakin Skywalker in the upcoming crossover film, "Pompously Done to Death Literary Property that Should have Ended after Three Books vs. Pompously Done to Death Film Property that Should have Ended after Three Movies ("PDtDLPtShEaTB v PDtDFPtShEaTM")?
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