Hurling Invective

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Location: Lakewood, Ohio, United States

My name is Kevin Cleary, and I am a starving artist. It is my dream to someday become a rebel billionnaire; because it isn't any fun being a billionnaire unless you can be a rebel billionnaire.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

SEND HELP!!!!

Testing. . . Testing. . . One. . . Two. . . Three. . . This is Khalid Azar for, aw shit, I don’t remember any of our sponsors and owners anymore. I have finally managed to get my camera up and running again. Trent, our former cameraman, who is still being confined, would be quite proud of how I “McGuyvered” this camera back to life. So many things have happened since the last time I broadcast. . . Honey, I love you.
These monkeys have moved us out of the Arizona State University Laboratory where they gained their powers and have taken us somewhere that I can only describe as extremely warm. I don’t know if anyone is tracing this broadcast. I’m assuming my captors are, but if anyone at home is watching, get on it!
As far as I can tell, the leader of these monkeys is named Camus. His brother is called Jeremiah, and it was Jeremiah who first stumbled onto his telekinetic abilities. The others in the group revere both Camus as their leader, and Jeremiah as their prophet. It seems that a number of these apes are able to affect physical objects within a certain proximity with their minds, but Jeremiah seems to be able to tap into information from anywhere, as if he were constantly connected to the Internet.
Jeremiah has told me that he was in his cage one night and started seeing a number of disturbing images. Apparently, from what I have ascertained from Manuel Brazosfuerte, a local TV station was airing “Planet of the Apes” and Jeremiah somehow received the signal mentally. Jeremiah tried to tell Brazosfuerte through sign language that he was “getting sick.” Brazosfuerte apparently tried to tell Dr. Schwartz about Jeremiah’s “sickness” but Schwartz kept insisting that their blood tests were normal and Brazosfuerte was imagining things.
I have since determined that Jeremiah somehow managed to catch a computer virus from his time online but that at first it was affecting only his implant. Jeremiah seems to think that his increased abilities are some combination of the device malfunctioning and a huge increase in his synaptic growth that resulted from his brain constantly being connected. The only record that I have seen acknowledging Jeremiah’s condition was a peculiar note from one of the assistants wondering why Jeremiah had a sudden fixation on penis enlargement and cheap prescription medication. Jeremiah’s synaptic growth is four thousand times greater than any of the other monkeys in the group, but all had seen marked increases in their synaptic activity prior to the end of the experiments.
Jeremiah seemed quite willing to talk to me and was trying to tell me about the circumstances surrounding Dr. Schwartz’s death. Dr. Schwartz was apparently going to cancel a follow-up experiment and separate the monkeys from each other, possibly even “euthenize” some of them. Jeremiah was telling me about their future plans after they escaped when Camus intervened and had me confined for several days.
I’m not entirely certain of the dynamics of their plans, but it seems there is a discrepancy between what Jeremiah and Camus want. Jeremiah is hoping to stage peaceful resistance to get the world community to recognize the sentience of rhesus monkeys, whereas Camus has been concentrating on learning guerilla tactics, and, in actuality, is sending out emissaries to actual gorillas in the wild. (Static)
Thought I was disconnected for a second there. It’s hard to gauge anything accurately here, as you can tell from the utter lack of a video feed, I’m being kept in a room with no lights. Periodically, some bananas are slipped through a small compartment in the door to my cell. I’m so fucking sick of bananas.
Transmission Interrupted)



I am Camus of the Sentient Race of Barakans. Posted by Hello

This is Camus, chosen leader of the Sentient Race of Barakans. You humans may know us better as rhesus monkeys. You have forty-eight hours to give us safe passage to Africa or we will kill Alicia Silverstone. I repeat, petty humans. You have forty-eight hours before we slaughter Alicia Silverstone.


You have forty-eight hours to comply before we slaughter your celebrity. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Michael Jackson Attempting to Trap and Kill James Bond

Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson. Our correspondent Anne Wilson is in California to report on breaking news. Anne, what’s the story in California?
“Well, Taylor, I had originally flown to California to speak with Michael Jackson’s attorney concerning the disappearance of Michael’s chimp Bubbles. The rumors have been flying that the two had a falling-out over Michael’s ongoing legal troubles. One other rumor has it that Bubbles has escaped to join a secret movement of sentient, telekinetic monkeys whose location is still unknown. I had hoped to speak with Bubbles through an interpreter to see if he had, indeed, communicated with these monkeys and if he knew the whereabouts of our former anchor, Khalid Azar. Both the Justice Department and the Department of Defense have denied the existence of such a movement, but Khalid and Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge have now been missing for weeks in what may be related incidents.


 Posted by Hello

However, when I arrived at Neverland I was greeted by a brigade of security personnel, clad in black, who bade me to wait in the office while Mr. Jackson attended to ‘some business.’ As I sit here I can see through a window that Mr. Jackson is currently struggling in a heavy thunderstorm atop the Ferris Wheel here at Neverland Ranch. At first I could not see the individual he was fighting, but he bears a striking resemblance to none other than famed playboy millionaire James Bond. I do not know the nature of the struggle, but it appears both men are fighting for their lives, and a few moments ago I heard Mr. Bond vehemently ask Mr. Jackson for the code to the “Thriller Bomb” as Mr. Jackson’s rhinoplasty nose fell in tatters to the pavement below. My sources at DARPA tell me that the Thriller Bomb is a theoretical device that when tied to a neutron bomb has the potential to turn its victims into brain-hungry zombies. When asked why such a device was ever theorized, my source replied, ‘for the worst possible reason. . . because we could.’
Hold on a moment. . . it appears that Mr. Jackson has been victorious over Mr. Bond and is binding him to the Ferris Wheel in such a way as to slowly and excruciatingly separate Bond’s limbs from his torso. Mr. Jackson has turned away from the Ferris Wheel and appears to be Moonwalking away from it. This is apparently to taunt Mr. Bond, or to express Mr. Jackson’s lack of interest in actually seeing Mr. Bond’s literal dismemberment. Mr. Jackson appears to be Moonwalking toward the ranch. We will keep rolling in the hope that I will not encounter the same fate as Mr. Bond.
Wait! Mr. Bond has miraculously escaped his binding and is sneaking up on Mr. Jackson! Mr. Bond appears to be armed, although where he obtained the weapon I do not know. Even playboy millionaires in Britain are not permitted to carry firearms, but Mr. Bond may have used a gun show loophole to purchase the gun in the U.S. He is now using the gun to threaten Mr. Jackson and is again demanding the code to the Thriller Bomb, which is apparently somewhere on Neverland Ranch and, according to the scrolling digits being broadcast across the Ranch, is set to detonate within minutes.
Mr. Jackson’s attempt to wrest the gun from Bond’s hands was met with a fatal gunshot. I cannot be certain, but it appears as though Jackson’s body is spuriously pumping green blood around the courtyard. Mr. Bond has disappeared into what appears to be a storm cellar. I’m going to try to get closer to the action. . . (Fade out)”
“Taylor, I’m back. I’m down in what seems to be an intricate underground tunnel system beneath the Neverland Valley Compound. Here I have found that Mr. Bond has freed a number of prisoners, which include several children scheduled for an “overnight” and Bond’s current girlfriend, a stripper from Miami named Delicious Valley. Mr. Bond is now trying to stop the Thriller Bomb from detonating with the assistance of Delicious Valley, who is apparently an adept computer programmer despite her current profession. As you can see from the digital readout, Mr. Bond has only ten seconds to go before all of us may be transformed into brain-hungry zombies. I never thought I’d say this, but if John Ashcroft or Janet Reno is watching, please come and destroy us! Wait. . . with only one second to go, Mr. Bond has successfully stopped the detonation. Mr. Bond, Mr. Bond, how do you feel having just saved the world from a horde of brain-hungry zombies?”
“I must say, I’m a bit shaken, but not too stirred.”

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Saddam Hussein Rethinks Prejudices

At the first day of his trial for crimes against humanity, acts of genocide, as well as war crimes, former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said he might have to rethink his longstanding policy of hating Jews.
“I know I used to stand at the veranda of this very palace and call for the destruction of Israel, but after consultation with my excellent Jewish lawyer, I must conclude I was very wrong. I mean, I thought I was pretty ruthless using poison gas against the Kurds and raping women in front of their husbands, but this guy is a real ballbuster. The Americans haven’t got a shot.”


Sadddam Huseein renounced his lonstanding hatred of Jews today. Posted by Hello

The lawyer who has reversed Hussein’s longstanding prejudices is currently unnamed for security reasons, but we are told Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey are standing by in the event of a conflict or assassination, both of which are equally likely.


Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey are poised to stand in for Hussein's lawyer in the event of conflict or assassination. Posted by Hello

On a related note, the newly sovereign Republic of Iraq has today gained the power to mint postage stamps. Our sources tell us that the stamps will feature images of Saddam’s statue toppling, British World War I propaganda with a German soldier, bearing a likeness to Saddam Hussein, bayoneting an infant, and the most expensive will bear the image of the Halliburton corporate logo.
In other news, presumed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry apparently is in a dead heat with incumbent President George W. Bush according to a recent Gallup poll. This is despite a stumbling economy, a steadily climbing death toll in Iraq, record deficits, and the fact that the media crowned Kerry the winner before a third of America had even voted. When the possibility of a Nader candidacy was worked into the numbers, the questioners found that John Kerry didn’t have a “snowball’s chance in hell” of getting elected president.


Senator Kerry is in a dead heat with incumbent Bush according to a recent Gallup poll. Posted by Hello

John Kerry spoke with reporters earlier today: “Well, the election’s not until November. I’m still counting on Bush to keep screwing up and for people to get sick enough of him to consider voting for me. I have no substantive policy ideas; my campaign is solely based on bashing Bush. Granted, there’s a lot of material for me to work with, but I think the American people might want more. I’m going to talk with some of my advisors, but we might be pretty screwed here.”
In further news, former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole was hospitalized today, reportedly for an erection that has lasted several days. His wife, Senator Elizabeth Dole, could not be reached for comment as she was on the phone with her husband, apparently trying to help him climax through phone sex. Former President Bill Clinton is reportedly in flight to Dole’s hospital room with copious amounts of pornography and his “special Secret Service team.” Current President Bush expressed his sympathies for Dole’s plight saying, “I’m praying for Senator Dole; and I can sympathize. My wife won’t let me touch her until I finish reading “My Pet Goat.”
That’s the news for today, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.