Bush Appoints Howell New CIA Director

Bush Appoints Thurston Howell III New CIA Director, Causes Controversy

In a move today which the Democrats are calling “dangerous and partisan,” President Bush announced the appointment of Thurston Howell III as director of the CIA to replace both Porter Goss and George Tenet. Howell is most known for his role as chief proprietor of the island resort known as Gilligan’s Island. His son Thurston Howell IV is currently running the resort. Bush stated today that Howell’s financial prowess would make him the ideal candidate to helm the CIA during the war on terror. He claimed he knew “no better man to catch financial tricks our enemies would use against us.”
Democrats claim Howell’s appointment is to pay back financial favors incurred during a 1956 oil deal Howell’s firm brokered between the Bush and Saudi families. They also point to Howell’s utter lack of experience in espionage and his “old money” outlook that has not been changed by his long disappearance aboard the S.S. Minnow on what was supposed to be a routine three-hour tour.


Thurston Howell III and his wife, Lovey Howell. They are pictured reacting to a 1956 allegation of corporate malfeasance shortly before their disappearance. 

Democratic Vice-Presidential Candidate John Edwards spoke to reporters earlier today: “This is just another example of the two Americas I have spoken constantly about. There is the America where a rich man leaves his island resort to claim an important government post he doesn’t deserve. Then there is the America most of us live in where we struggle for years, living paycheck to paycheck, and won’t ever be able to afford to stay at Mr. Howell’s resort. There’s the America where the privileged few drink coconut milk while sitting in the sun, and the America for the rest of us, who struggle to buy milk as its cost rises in the Bush economy.”
Vice-President Cheney challenged the assertion that Howell is “out of touch with America” by calling Edwards an “ambulance-chasing jackal” and by calling Presidential candidate John Kerry a “fucking prep-school pussyboy.” He went on to say, “The truth is that Thurston Howell has not only survived a long separation from society, but he has come out stronger because of it. Howell knows the War on Terror isn’t just a three-hour tour, and he’ll be there to make sure our ship doesn’t sink ground on the shore of some deserted island of tyranny and oppression. If you want to see terrorist attacks that will make September 11th seem like a stay on Gilligan’s Island, then vote for John Kerry. We will keep America safe and we will take the War on Terror to the enemy, and we will not let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud!”


Vice-President Cheney spoke earlier today, calling Edwards an "ambulance-chasing jackal" and Kerry a "fucking prep-school pussyboy." 

Cheney then retired to a secure-and-undisclosed location where doctors are denying he had his 795th heart attack.
In other news, scientists have announced today that they have discovered the origins of feared stalker and murderer Freddy Kruger. It appears that Mr. Kruger is actually a deformed clone of 1970's rock group Queen’s lead singer Freddie Mercury. We are told that the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” is actually an epic ballad detailing Mercury’s transformation and transmutation following his tragic “Bicycle” accident. If seen, Mr. Kruger might be driven away by clapping your hands and chanting “We Will Rock You.”
Up next is Conspiracy Corner, with our own Liberty Pilgrim. We are bound by Article 457a of the Revised Patriot Act not to reveal her program’s content, but stay tuned. This is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.