Move Over Soccer Moms

During the presidential race of 2000, many media outlets spent a great deal of time monitoring the so-called “soccer mom” demographic which was seen as key to winning the White House. 2004 is no different. This year has already spawned the NASCAR Dads and the “I Support Our Troops Liberals,” commonly referred to as ISOT Liberals. Our sources have told us that both campaigns are strategically altering their campaign pitches at different stump spots to appeal to these and other target groups.
For instance, at a recent campaign stop in Indianapolis, President Bush was “caught” off-camera blasting air-guitar to a Poison song while drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The staged off-camera moment was also lit so as to give President Bush the appearance of having a mullet, a popular hairstyle amongst the NASCAR Dad demographic. Two days later he met with Governor Schwartzenegger wearing a sombrero and telling the largely Latino crowd to “Aplauda sus manos por el Terminador!” He then gave a speech laying out more details of his plan to grant work visas and driver’s licenses to illegal Mexican immigrants.


President Bush jokes with aides after a "casual" photograph was taken depicting him playing air guitar. 

The Kerry campaign, however, was not to be outdone. At a recent stop in Berkeley, California, Kerry’s aides dressed him in flannel while softly playing Melissa Etheridge in the background in a subtle attempt to attract what’s known as the Lesbian Lumberjack vote. He spoke about his support of a local domestic partnership initiative which would grant cohabitating life partners some of the same rights as married couples.
Two days later, in a stop in Topeka, Kansas, Kerry was flipping pancakes at a local diner, jokingly called the Flip-Flopping Flapjack Fundraiser, while discussing the harmful effects the addition of a Wal-Mart has had on a local neighborhood. He pledged there to increase federal subsidies of failing crops and praised the traditional values of America’s heartland. Our analysts tell us this is a blanket appeal to the Stereotypical Farmer demographic which is seen as currently in the fold of either candidate.


John Kerry made a stop in Topeka, Kansas at the Flip-Flopping Flapjack Fundraiser. His remarks in Kansas were skewed toward the coveted Stereotypical Farmer demographic. 

In other news, the FBI is currently igniting controversy over its decision to interview protestors prior to the Republican National Convention which is little more than a week away. Critics are saying the move is reminiscent of the targeting of black civil-rights activists such as Martin Luther King, Jr. In response, the FBI has posted a FAQ on their website (www.fbi.gov) explaining that they are not, per se, interviewing “protestors.” They claim they are only responding to specific and credible threats of violence. In addition to interviewing potential terrorists on credible threats, they are also interviewing people who may know of a credible threat. When questioned about the type of violence they are targeting, the FBI responded that they are extremely concerned about protestors armed with squirt guns.
In an interview on CBS This Morning, FBI Director Robert Mueller told Dan Rather that the threat of squirt guns is “very real.” “Our extensive search of these potential terrorist ‘protestors’ credit records has revealed that a frighteningly large number of them possess squirt guns. These so-called ‘Super-Soaker’ squirt guns could easily be retrofitted with ammonia, toxic waste, or even urine. We simply cannot allow the possibility that a terrorist could bring a squirt gun to the convention and potentially contaminate the Commander-in-Chief with fecal matter. I mean, if anyone is going to be using large volumes of water as a scare tactic, it will be us, spraying the crowds with a fire hose.”
Finally, tonight we turn to Florida. The entire state is feeling the impact of the aftermath of Hurricane Charley. Millions are now homeless, and thousands of Florida Keys residents are swarming the islands trying to survey the damage. Next, on How Does That Make you Feel?, Jessica Wilson explores the effects the hurricane has had on those who were already homeless. We’ll meet a stereotypical homeless Vietnam veteran who says that he prophesied the coming of the hurricane and that no one listened. (Cut to clip)
“I’ve been saying for years that I keep dreaming about Charlie. I have for years. I wake up in a cold sweat every night knowing that someday Charlie would come to get me. Everyone told me I was crazy. . . I heard Charlie coming and I dug myself a trench. Hey! You said I could have a sip of your bourbon!”
That’s the news as it happens. This has been Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News. Khalid, come home soon.