New Study Finds Most Clevelanders Excited to Finally Be Number One

A recent nationwide economic survey ranked Cleveland, Ohio as the poorest city in the nation. Cleveland Mayor Jane Campbell promised to launch an investigation and today the results are in. The investigation was funded by firing six more Cleveland teachers and giving their salaries to Barbara Byrd-Bennet to administrate and chair the committee.


Cleveland, a city in Ohio, was recently ranked the poorest city in the nation and as having the worst schools. Pictured here is Barbara Byrd-Bennet, who may or may not be Cleveland's mayor or superintendant or something. 

The respondents were asked six questions concerning what they had heard about the economic survey as well as questions about their spending habits and socio-economic habits. Some of the survey questions are as follows:

1. In a recent survey of U.S. Cities, Cleveland was listed as the Number One city in America, how does that make you feel?
A. Excited B. Overjoyed C. Intrigued D. All of the above

4. One of the plans to continue revitalization of Cleveland is to build a new convention center downtown. Would you support this initiative if:
A. There was a place for you to sleep? B. There was a designated place for you to beg for change? C. Special drinking fountain were installed that dispensed alcohol or crack? D. You knew we were going to do it regardless of cost or consequence?

6. The survey of U.S. cities also ranked Cleveland’s school-system as the worst in the nation. Which of the following initiatives to improve the schools would you support?
A. Firing more teachers and giving Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money B. A special tax levy to rebuild our crumbling school infrastructures and to give Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money. C. Allowing corporations to sponsor various classes and giving Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money. D. Renewing forced busing so that Cleveland’s children can get a decent education in Westlake, selling off the metal detectors in Cleveland schools, and donating the proceeds to Barbara Byrd-Bennet.


The scenic Cleveland skyline 


On a related note, President Bush was asked today what he thought about Cleveland’s ranking as the nation’s poorest city. Believing he was off the record, he responded, No way, Cleveland’s not still actually a city is it? I’m about to go to real city in a couple of days.”
When notified that he was on the record, he quickly changed his tune, “Well, I think my tax relief program is really helping to strengthen the economy and that Cleveland will find its job strength growing along with the rest of the nation.”
Senator Kerry could not be reached for comment although he did send the city of Cleveland one of his guitars to put in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is apparently centered in Cleveland.
In a few moments we’ll talk with Vice-Presidential Candidate John Edwards to hear his comments on the Republican National Convention in New York City. You’re watching Dieboldt Patriot News. . .