New Animal Testing Gives Monkeys Frightening Telekinetic Powers
Recently an unnamed source who contributed to the April 30th Nature article concerning the movement of computer cursors via electrodes implanted in monkey’s brains has come forward with startling new information. Apparently some of the rhesus monkeys in the experimental group have started to manifest these powers when not attached to their computers.
The reports were first dismissed as the overactive imaginings of the janitorial staff, but the recent death of the scientist in charge of the experiments has sparked an internal investigation. Dr. Andrew Schwartz was found dead Wednesday, buried in a pile of fecal matter, reportedly flung in dissatisfaction by the monkeys. Police have not ruled out foul play, but they have yet to pose an alternate theory.
The initial reports of strange activity were claimed by the head janitor, Manuel Brazosfuerte. Khalid Azar is on the scene live,
“Thank you Taylor, this is Khalid Azar reporting. I’m here today at Arizona State University to speak with Manuel Brazosfuerte, the man who first noticed the strange behavior of the rhesus monkeys. Mr. Brazosfuerte, please describe in detail what you saw and how you believe it is related the recent death of Dr. Schwartz,”
“I was waxing the floors, real nice for the cameras, like Dr. Schwartz say. I used to bring bananas for monkeys, but Dr. Schwartz told me no more bananas. I have bananas in my bag and was waxing the floor and bananas start flying out of my bag. I see monkeys reach for them and they go flying in the air to monkeys. I tell Dr. Schwartz the next day and he laugh, threaten to fire me. I told him I did not give monkeys bananas but he show me camera. I told him tape was from different day, but he did not crear. . . believe me.”
“Yes, we’ve also heard that these monkeys may have started their own blog, or weblog, which consists mostly of posts attempting to contact a mysterious Mr. Sasquatch to break them out of this laboratory. There are also entreaties to various celebrities like Susan Sarandon and Alicia Silverstone. The amazing thing about this is that they haven’t been connected to a computer since the experiments cited in April 30th’s issue of Nature were completed.
Earlier today I had a chance to speak with Hans Gunter, the head of security in these laboratories. Here’s what he had to say. . .
“Hi, this is Khalid Azar and I’m here with Hans Gunter of the University of Arizona. Mr. Gunter, what’s your take on these strange occurrences?”
“Ze monkeys move zhings with zeir minds! Ze ozher day zhey pick up my gun and it float over my head! Vhy did ve teach monkeys to uze computahs? Ze vill shoot us all!!”
“As you can see, these monkeys are generating quite a bit of discomfort. . .....”
“This is Taylor Robinson, we’re apparently experiencing some technical diff- - ahhhh!!“
END OF TRANSMISSION
Recently an unnamed source who contributed to the April 30th Nature article concerning the movement of computer cursors via electrodes implanted in monkey’s brains has come forward with startling new information. Apparently some of the rhesus monkeys in the experimental group have started to manifest these powers when not attached to their computers.
The reports were first dismissed as the overactive imaginings of the janitorial staff, but the recent death of the scientist in charge of the experiments has sparked an internal investigation. Dr. Andrew Schwartz was found dead Wednesday, buried in a pile of fecal matter, reportedly flung in dissatisfaction by the monkeys. Police have not ruled out foul play, but they have yet to pose an alternate theory.
The initial reports of strange activity were claimed by the head janitor, Manuel Brazosfuerte. Khalid Azar is on the scene live,
“Thank you Taylor, this is Khalid Azar reporting. I’m here today at Arizona State University to speak with Manuel Brazosfuerte, the man who first noticed the strange behavior of the rhesus monkeys. Mr. Brazosfuerte, please describe in detail what you saw and how you believe it is related the recent death of Dr. Schwartz,”
“I was waxing the floors, real nice for the cameras, like Dr. Schwartz say. I used to bring bananas for monkeys, but Dr. Schwartz told me no more bananas. I have bananas in my bag and was waxing the floor and bananas start flying out of my bag. I see monkeys reach for them and they go flying in the air to monkeys. I tell Dr. Schwartz the next day and he laugh, threaten to fire me. I told him I did not give monkeys bananas but he show me camera. I told him tape was from different day, but he did not crear. . . believe me.”
“Yes, we’ve also heard that these monkeys may have started their own blog, or weblog, which consists mostly of posts attempting to contact a mysterious Mr. Sasquatch to break them out of this laboratory. There are also entreaties to various celebrities like Susan Sarandon and Alicia Silverstone. The amazing thing about this is that they haven’t been connected to a computer since the experiments cited in April 30th’s issue of Nature were completed.
Earlier today I had a chance to speak with Hans Gunter, the head of security in these laboratories. Here’s what he had to say. . .
“Hi, this is Khalid Azar and I’m here with Hans Gunter of the University of Arizona. Mr. Gunter, what’s your take on these strange occurrences?”
“Ze monkeys move zhings with zeir minds! Ze ozher day zhey pick up my gun and it float over my head! Vhy did ve teach monkeys to uze computahs? Ze vill shoot us all!!”
“As you can see, these monkeys are generating quite a bit of discomfort. . .....”
“This is Taylor Robinson, we’re apparently experiencing some technical diff- - ahhhh!!“
END OF TRANSMISSION
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 6:33 PM
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