Nothing to Worry About
Good, evening, this is Taylor Robinson. You may or may not remember our broadcast from a few moments ago. All viewers are to be advised, as per Order 4175a of the revised Patriot Act, that the events you believe you may have seen only moments ago did not happen. There was never, nor shall there ever be in the future, a well-armed cadre of telekinetic rhesus monkeys at Arizona State University hellbent on restoring their species as the dominant force at the top of the food chain. All viewers are advised never to question this order or to believe in the events you think you have just seen.
In other news, Attorney General John Ashcroft was called to Congress today to testify about retroactively classified memos regarding specific definitions of “torture.” In response, he called yet another press conference advising the nation to raise its terror alert level to Burnt Umber, the third highest level, but refused to go into further details. Ashcroft spoke to reporters earlier today:
“I won’t say why we’re raising it, I will only say that there is credible evidence of a substantial threat that may possibly be made sometime in the near future. We know nothing of the terrorist plans, but we somehow know that they have moved into a sinister ‘Phase Two’ of operations. It may or may not be biochemical, nuclear, or conventional in nature. That is all,”
On a related note, Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge remains unseen since a juggling performance on The Late Show with David Letterman last Thursday. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld released a statement claiming that it is definitely not related to the Arizona Incident the viewers did not see moments ago. We are to be assured that Tom Ridge is at home with his family, ensuring that all of his windows are sealed with the recommended amounts of duct tape.
Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge has not been seen since his juggling performance on "The Late Show with David Letterman."
In further news, gas prices have risen to a whopping five dollars a gallon this week. Domestic oil companies, as usual, blamed OPEC and the rising cost of securing oil reserves in Iraq. President Bush traveled to Saudi Arabia today where he addressed the issue at the G7.5 Summit:
“I ask, as the ambassador of goodwill of the United States of America, have mercy on us for Christ.. . I mean Allah’s sake. In America we need oil to fuel our trucks which ship products and food all over the world. I mean, all you people use it for is ransom against us and for money to buy weapons from us to suppress your own people. So, I come to you today, resolute. If you don’t quit being a bitch and pony up with the oil, we’re going to stop exporting the weapons you use against us and your own people. Also, we might bomb the ever-living shit out of you. Thanks you very much,”
National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice clarified his statement a moment later, reassuring the members of the G7.5 Summit that President Bush was referring to OPEC countries and not the members of the Summit. Russian President Vladimir Putin began pounding his combat boot on the table to bring order to the group once he was assured that Russia was safe from Operation Ever-Living-Shit-Out-Of.
That’s the news as it happens. This is Taylor Robinson for the newly renamed Dieboldt Patriot News.
In other news, Attorney General John Ashcroft was called to Congress today to testify about retroactively classified memos regarding specific definitions of “torture.” In response, he called yet another press conference advising the nation to raise its terror alert level to Burnt Umber, the third highest level, but refused to go into further details. Ashcroft spoke to reporters earlier today:
“I won’t say why we’re raising it, I will only say that there is credible evidence of a substantial threat that may possibly be made sometime in the near future. We know nothing of the terrorist plans, but we somehow know that they have moved into a sinister ‘Phase Two’ of operations. It may or may not be biochemical, nuclear, or conventional in nature. That is all,”
On a related note, Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge remains unseen since a juggling performance on The Late Show with David Letterman last Thursday. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld released a statement claiming that it is definitely not related to the Arizona Incident the viewers did not see moments ago. We are to be assured that Tom Ridge is at home with his family, ensuring that all of his windows are sealed with the recommended amounts of duct tape.
Chief of Homeland Security Tom Ridge has not been seen since his juggling performance on "The Late Show with David Letterman."
In further news, gas prices have risen to a whopping five dollars a gallon this week. Domestic oil companies, as usual, blamed OPEC and the rising cost of securing oil reserves in Iraq. President Bush traveled to Saudi Arabia today where he addressed the issue at the G7.5 Summit:
“I ask, as the ambassador of goodwill of the United States of America, have mercy on us for Christ.. . I mean Allah’s sake. In America we need oil to fuel our trucks which ship products and food all over the world. I mean, all you people use it for is ransom against us and for money to buy weapons from us to suppress your own people. So, I come to you today, resolute. If you don’t quit being a bitch and pony up with the oil, we’re going to stop exporting the weapons you use against us and your own people. Also, we might bomb the ever-living shit out of you. Thanks you very much,”
National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice clarified his statement a moment later, reassuring the members of the G7.5 Summit that President Bush was referring to OPEC countries and not the members of the Summit. Russian President Vladimir Putin began pounding his combat boot on the table to bring order to the group once he was assured that Russia was safe from Operation Ever-Living-Shit-Out-Of.
That’s the news as it happens. This is Taylor Robinson for the newly renamed Dieboldt Patriot News.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 5:11 PM
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