Newer, More Sensitive Harvard
“Thank you. Thank you very much. As the new president of our prestigious University, I want to assure you my tenure will see none of the sort of offensive remarks made by President emeritus Lawrence H. Summers. I have been instructed by the grand jury never to discuss the vast academic and pay scale differences between broads and dudes. . . in public. . .
“I want to assure critics of our esteemed university that I will bring sensitivity and progressive innovation to our beloved institution and a new era of collaboration between disciplines. I am here today to unveil the culmination of our first such endeavor. It is the result of five years of intense work by teams from our Psychology department, our state-of-the-art Genetics department, and our Independent Studies Program:
“For generations, two ethnicities and cultures have battled for the title of having the most overbearing mothers. The Jewish people have made this claim for thousands of years, but in recent centuries, once Catholicism reached Ireland, the Irish people became the upstart challengers to this title.
“Now, many in our field have argued for years that the ‘Irish insanity’ has more causes than just overbearing mothers. Granted, Freudian psychology cannot explain the stereotypical idiosyncracies of either people, thus our constant ‘nature vs. nurture’ debate. But, as we all know, the vast majority of Irish fathers are abusive drunks and useless, unemployed roustabouts. But, we decided not to enter the fray of this semantic and Semitic debate, and instead decided to focus on what we could to bring these two groups together.
“Lads and lasses, I proudly present to you the culmination of years of dedicated effort: the Jewrish Mother. The Jewrish Mother boasts a number of advantages over traditional Jewish and Irish mothers.
Harvard proto-type Jewrish Mother Hadassah Bridget McSchwartz
“For instance, the Jewrish Mother has two sets of holidays from two oppressive, monolithic religious traditions on which to call her son or daughter and complain that they never call. Furthermore, the long, guilt-inducing histories of Catholicism and Judaism have been dovetailed into what we in the lab have been calling the Mother of all Mothers.
“The benefits abound in this, modern science’s greatest creation. Here we have combined two peoples whose collective maladies, both genetically inherited and psychosomatic are legendary; thus ensuring new generations of our nation’s children will continue to visit our offices in search of expensive medications. This also provides the Jewrish mother with a colossal list of frightening diseases their ‘ungrateful children’ should ‘thank God/The Lord they don’t have,’ if they have ‘the nerve to complain.’ Furthermore, the collective historical suffering of both peoples provides a bevy of ways in which the Jewrish Mother can chide: ‘You think you suffer, let me tell you something about suffering. . .’
“In addition to this remarkable invention, other departments of our university have collaborated on supplemental applications. Our MBA program, in collaboration with our Underwater Weaving Program, has created a breathtaking new yarmulke with the Irish blessing stitched into the interior. The exterior of the yarmulke features a picture of John F. Kennedy and a map of Israel. . .”
I’m sorry to interrupt this broadcast, but I have breaking news from our Washington correspondent, Brooke Haltertop. Now, Brooke, I understand that President Bush has called a press conference to condemn the latest announcement from Harvard. Brooke, what’s going on in Washington?
“Well, Taylor, White House Press Secretary is about to release a statement from President Bush, condemning the latest announcement from Harvard. We have yet to see the statement, but to fill air time I will speculate on its contents.”
Sorry to interrupt, Brooke, but we also have analyst and former Attorney General John Ashcroft live via satellite, to counter-speculate as per the Equal Spin Initiative enacted last week by the President and Congress as an attachment to the new bankruptcy legislation. Attorney Ashcroft, how are you this evening?
“I’m quite well, Taylor. Before we get started I’d just like to mention that my new CD, Let the Eagle Soar will be available at Wal-Marts across the country this weekend. Now, despite my religious objections to a woman speaking publicly, based on the First Letter to Timothy, Chapter 2, verse 11, I will allow the nice young girl here to speak first.”
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft's new album "Let the Eagle Soar" will be available exclusively at Wal-Marts nationwide starting this weekend.
“Well, Taylor, my sources tell me that President Bush is objecting to Harvard’s announcement because Harvard used the federally provided stem-cell lines to create their proto-type Jewrish mother, Hadassah Bridget McSchwartz. The barbaric Republicans, who abhor all scientific progress and are anti-choice, object on anachronistic ‘moral grounds’ to Harvard’s use of federally funded stem-cell lines and genetic engineering to create a new, awe-inspiring incarnation of human life. Also, the war-mongering Republicans object to research money spent on the creation and nurturing of human life, as opposed to being dumped into the Star Wars program, or invading another country.”
“Brooke, Mr. Ashcroft.”
“Brooke. You know the party doesn’t object on those grounds. What we object to are the godless liberal iconoclasts who want honest, God-fearing American taxpayers to foot the bill for their thinly veiled attempt to pod-breed more Democrats. We both know that these aberrations and abominations are never going to vote Republican. Besides, we know these so called “Jewrish mothers,” will not be appeased unless their offspring become doctors, lawyers, or successful Hollywood liberal propagandists. Our country cannot afford the costs to the government and industry of the merging of doctors, lawyers, and company with the hideous Irish practice of labor unions. Your Frank McCourtenstein monsters cannot be allowed to ‘wipe their feet’ on the American flag just before they burn it.”
“Mr. Ashcroft, I strongly object to your. . .”
I’m sorry, Brooke. The provisions of the Equal Spin Act clearly stipulate that I must give the final word to a Republican. Brooke Haltertop, Mr. Ashcroft, thank you very much for talking to us. This is Taylor Robinson, and after the break, we’ll go live to the White House where Press Secretary Scott McClellan will be giving us a pre-made Video News release about this issue, narrated by Jeff Gannon. We are now legally required to mention this in passing prior to airing the broadcast without interruption or commentary. You’re watching Dieboldt Patriot News.