New Economic Indicator to be Revealed in Bagdhad
Investors worldwide today are anxiously awaiting the unveiling of a new economic index. The index’s creators claim it will be one of the most accurate prognosticators of the twists and turns of the world economy. The index will be read daily from Bagdhad, in what was once one of Saddam Hussein’s most lavish palaces. Among the illustrious guests scheduled to attend the unveiling of the new index are Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, Pope John Paul II, Bill Gates, Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia, President Karzai of Afghanistan, Secretary of State Colin Powell, Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan and Prime Minister Allawi of Iraq. Each guest, along with his entourage, will be viewing the unveiling from secure, “terrorist-proof” rooms on the mezzanine level above the floor of the palace. Our very own reporter, Tracy Jacobs is reporting live from Iraq.
Tracy, how would you describe the atmosphere of the palace?
“Well, Taylor, the excitement in the air is quite palpable. This is a very high-profile event, and the economic tension preceding this unveiling was made evident earlier today when Alan Greenspan sneezed and the DOW dipped 2000 points for half an hour until it was reported that Mr. Greenspan was still healthy and in good spirits. Our analysts have been trying to get a moment with Mr. Greenspan for several hours to see if he could shine some light on the nature of this index and what sort of effect good or bad results from it might have on the American economy. He has thus far remained coy, stating only that “it will make the NASDAQ seem like a waste of (expletive deleted) ticker-tape.”
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is also in attendance today. The DOW took a 2000 point dive today when Mr. Greenspan sneezed, but it has since rebounded.
“Mr. Allawi is about to take the podium, where he will introduce the new finance minister of Iraq, Abdel Abdul Mahdi. Wait, wait, it appear Finance Minister Mahdi was assassinated on the way over here. . . par for the course, I suppose. Wait, hold on a moment, Prime Minister Allawi is making an announcement. It appears that Prime Minister Allawi has allotted for this contingency and is in the process of appointing a new Iraqi finance minister. . . He’s about to make an announcement:
Prime Minister Allawi was set to introduce Finance Minister Mahdi.
“Due to the constant assassinations from extremists within our own country, I have no choice but to appoint former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as Iraq’s next finance minister. Ariel Sharon will bring a hard-line approach to our new banking system, and he is the ideal candidate to make daily, public, announcements of the new economic index we are about to unveil.”
“Now, Taylor, as you may remember, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was voted out of office last week in a vote of no-confidence by his own Likud party in the Israeli Knesset. While it is surprising that a newly minted Islamic republic such as Iraq would name Sharon as its finance minister, this move brings with it a number of advantages. For instance, there is the remote chance that a high-profile post such as this will bring the extremists out of the sand lattice-work in an attempt to assassinate Sharon. Also, he is Jewish, so the world will assume that he is good with money. In addition, I am being informed by my analysts that Sharon has already proposed building concrete walls around all Iraqi banks and patrolling them with armed guards and helicopters. His hard-line policy of exterminating any and all suspected terrorists may be difficult to execute, but it will state emphatically to the world that Iraqi finances are secure. Hold on a moment, Taylor. Finance Minister Sharon is taking the podium.”
“Greetings and salutations to the people of Iraq. While it was once my policy to destroy Palestinian militants, it is now my policy to destroy financial weakness within Iraq and the world. I can think of no better way of doing so than the unveiling of this groundbreaking new economic indicator. This indicator includes the absolute most important financial factors of the world economy and produces a number which will reflect the daily state of the financial well-being of the world’s free nations. Its abbreviation shall be the BFOS, or Blood For Oil Syndicate. On a daily basis, the liters of blood shed in exchange for oil produced will be reflected in this simple number. This number will reflect the dynamic equilibrium as informed by the Hemostatic Multiplier, the Petroleum Production Determinant, the Actuarial Causality Quotient, and the Melanin Content Analysis Factor. Each day, minute by minute, my agency will compute these figures into a comprehensive number. I am delighted to announce that today’s BFOS is 4.78794!
(Raucous applause for several minutes)
“Taylor, the reaction of the crowd here today is absolutely unbelievable! If you pay close attention to the crawl, Alan Greenspan’s jumping up and down in excitement has ignited the DOW. It is skyrocketing by the second! I’ve got to sign off and call my broker. This is Tracy Jacobs reporting live from Bagdhad.
Tracy, how would you describe the atmosphere of the palace?
“Well, Taylor, the excitement in the air is quite palpable. This is a very high-profile event, and the economic tension preceding this unveiling was made evident earlier today when Alan Greenspan sneezed and the DOW dipped 2000 points for half an hour until it was reported that Mr. Greenspan was still healthy and in good spirits. Our analysts have been trying to get a moment with Mr. Greenspan for several hours to see if he could shine some light on the nature of this index and what sort of effect good or bad results from it might have on the American economy. He has thus far remained coy, stating only that “it will make the NASDAQ seem like a waste of (expletive deleted) ticker-tape.”
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is also in attendance today. The DOW took a 2000 point dive today when Mr. Greenspan sneezed, but it has since rebounded.
“Mr. Allawi is about to take the podium, where he will introduce the new finance minister of Iraq, Abdel Abdul Mahdi. Wait, wait, it appear Finance Minister Mahdi was assassinated on the way over here. . . par for the course, I suppose. Wait, hold on a moment, Prime Minister Allawi is making an announcement. It appears that Prime Minister Allawi has allotted for this contingency and is in the process of appointing a new Iraqi finance minister. . . He’s about to make an announcement:
Prime Minister Allawi was set to introduce Finance Minister Mahdi.
“Due to the constant assassinations from extremists within our own country, I have no choice but to appoint former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as Iraq’s next finance minister. Ariel Sharon will bring a hard-line approach to our new banking system, and he is the ideal candidate to make daily, public, announcements of the new economic index we are about to unveil.”
“Now, Taylor, as you may remember, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was voted out of office last week in a vote of no-confidence by his own Likud party in the Israeli Knesset. While it is surprising that a newly minted Islamic republic such as Iraq would name Sharon as its finance minister, this move brings with it a number of advantages. For instance, there is the remote chance that a high-profile post such as this will bring the extremists out of the sand lattice-work in an attempt to assassinate Sharon. Also, he is Jewish, so the world will assume that he is good with money. In addition, I am being informed by my analysts that Sharon has already proposed building concrete walls around all Iraqi banks and patrolling them with armed guards and helicopters. His hard-line policy of exterminating any and all suspected terrorists may be difficult to execute, but it will state emphatically to the world that Iraqi finances are secure. Hold on a moment, Taylor. Finance Minister Sharon is taking the podium.”
“Greetings and salutations to the people of Iraq. While it was once my policy to destroy Palestinian militants, it is now my policy to destroy financial weakness within Iraq and the world. I can think of no better way of doing so than the unveiling of this groundbreaking new economic indicator. This indicator includes the absolute most important financial factors of the world economy and produces a number which will reflect the daily state of the financial well-being of the world’s free nations. Its abbreviation shall be the BFOS, or Blood For Oil Syndicate. On a daily basis, the liters of blood shed in exchange for oil produced will be reflected in this simple number. This number will reflect the dynamic equilibrium as informed by the Hemostatic Multiplier, the Petroleum Production Determinant, the Actuarial Causality Quotient, and the Melanin Content Analysis Factor. Each day, minute by minute, my agency will compute these figures into a comprehensive number. I am delighted to announce that today’s BFOS is 4.78794!
(Raucous applause for several minutes)
“Taylor, the reaction of the crowd here today is absolutely unbelievable! If you pay close attention to the crawl, Alan Greenspan’s jumping up and down in excitement has ignited the DOW. It is skyrocketing by the second! I’ve got to sign off and call my broker. This is Tracy Jacobs reporting live from Bagdhad.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 6:50 PM
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