Democrats Secretly Rejoice They Lost Presidential Race

Amidst the self-inflicted floggings and browbeatings of the Democratic Party this week, there are also reports of what some analysts are calling “campaign relief.” In an interview with Esquire, campaign manager Bob Shrum was quoted as saying:
“It’s hard dodging issues and not taking comprehendible positions for several months at a time. I must tell you that I was very concerned for a brief period that candidate Kerry might have actually taken a stand that we would have had to back up had he been elected. By successfully refusing to stand firm on anything short of our prize pig issues like Social Security, John Kerry has really scored a victory for the party. The Democratic party has no real desire to be relevant. I mean, my God, what if he had won? We would have had to actually formulate policy rather than just criticize it.”
Former President Clinton echoed some of the same sentiments at the opening of his Presidential Library this week. Standing in front of a veiled room he calls the “Adult Literature and Media Section,” he spoke to reporters about Kerry’s not-so-tragic loss.
“Look, I was the only successful Democratic president since Kennedy, and I can now tell you a little secret. I didn’t do shit while I was in office, and that’s why I was so successful. Remember when the Democrats controlled Congress and I was President? That was horrible! Thank God the Republicans came in and set my policy for me. Once they came in I knew I could just lay back, snipe at them, and enjoy the blow jobs.”


Former President Clinton made remarks to reporters today at the opening of his Presidential library. 

Independent analysts at the Center for the Plainly Manifest released a study this week explaining the so-called “moral divide” between Republicans and Democrats. Its findings concluded that although the Democratic party serves the economic interests of the majority, it fails to effectively emphasize this to voters. It also serves to alienate many people by refusing to budge from the fence on many issues like gay marriage, ironically in an attempt not to alienate any voting bloc.
Shadowy Republican figure Karl Rove spoke with FOX new correspondent Sean Hannity this morning about the 4% election victory they see as a vast mandate.


Karl Rove spoke with Sean Hannity of Fox News about the Republican agenda for the next four years. 

“Well, you see, Sean, it boils down to this. The Democrats want to tell you how to spend your money, and our party wants to tell you how to live your life. Given a choice between those two, most Americans would much rather hold onto their money right now because the economy is in the shitter. Add to that their total ineptness at lying to voters about the issues they care about, and you can see why we won in a landslide. The last candidate they had who was any good at lying to voters was Clinton, and he was practically a Republican.”
He went on to praise Ohio for voting against its economic self-interest and laughed off the idea that Canada would be getting an influx of immigrants.
“Canada has no desire to get more immigrants to drain their welfare state dry and compete with their government-sponsored marijuana dealers. Besides, we’ve seen that Democrats are too lazy and inept to fill out the necessary forms. Plus, even a tax and spend Democrat like Kerry couldn’t handle Canada’s level of taxation. So they should just lie back and enjoy their growing irrelevancy. I’m thinking the first thing I’ll do is have Bushie try to push through a bill that makes it mandatory to watch The Passion of the Christ. The Democrats won’t know what to do because we’ll just say their opposition proves they hate God. God, the next four years are going to be fun!”
Rove then continued by bursting into maniacal laughter and rubbing his wallet and a Bible on his nipples and making a veiled reference to invading Iran before laughing again and saying they don’t have enough oil to make it worth it. Hannity then cut to commercial after announcing his next guest, Pat Robertson, who is considered to be on the short list to replace Micheal Eisner as Secretary of Defense. That’s the news on the hour, this is Taylor Robinson for Patriot News. What the hell happened to Khalid?