SEND HELP!!!!
Testing. . . Testing. . . One. . . Two. . . Three. . . This is Khalid Azar for, aw shit, I don’t remember any of our sponsors and owners anymore. I have finally managed to get my camera up and running again. Trent, our former cameraman, who is still being confined, would be quite proud of how I “McGuyvered” this camera back to life. So many things have happened since the last time I broadcast. . . Honey, I love you.
These monkeys have moved us out of the Arizona State University Laboratory where they gained their powers and have taken us somewhere that I can only describe as extremely warm. I don’t know if anyone is tracing this broadcast. I’m assuming my captors are, but if anyone at home is watching, get on it!
As far as I can tell, the leader of these monkeys is named Camus. His brother is called Jeremiah, and it was Jeremiah who first stumbled onto his telekinetic abilities. The others in the group revere both Camus as their leader, and Jeremiah as their prophet. It seems that a number of these apes are able to affect physical objects within a certain proximity with their minds, but Jeremiah seems to be able to tap into information from anywhere, as if he were constantly connected to the Internet.
Jeremiah has told me that he was in his cage one night and started seeing a number of disturbing images. Apparently, from what I have ascertained from Manuel Brazosfuerte, a local TV station was airing “Planet of the Apes” and Jeremiah somehow received the signal mentally. Jeremiah tried to tell Brazosfuerte through sign language that he was “getting sick.” Brazosfuerte apparently tried to tell Dr. Schwartz about Jeremiah’s “sickness” but Schwartz kept insisting that their blood tests were normal and Brazosfuerte was imagining things.
I have since determined that Jeremiah somehow managed to catch a computer virus from his time online but that at first it was affecting only his implant. Jeremiah seems to think that his increased abilities are some combination of the device malfunctioning and a huge increase in his synaptic growth that resulted from his brain constantly being connected. The only record that I have seen acknowledging Jeremiah’s condition was a peculiar note from one of the assistants wondering why Jeremiah had a sudden fixation on penis enlargement and cheap prescription medication. Jeremiah’s synaptic growth is four thousand times greater than any of the other monkeys in the group, but all had seen marked increases in their synaptic activity prior to the end of the experiments.
Jeremiah seemed quite willing to talk to me and was trying to tell me about the circumstances surrounding Dr. Schwartz’s death. Dr. Schwartz was apparently going to cancel a follow-up experiment and separate the monkeys from each other, possibly even “euthenize” some of them. Jeremiah was telling me about their future plans after they escaped when Camus intervened and had me confined for several days.
I’m not entirely certain of the dynamics of their plans, but it seems there is a discrepancy between what Jeremiah and Camus want. Jeremiah is hoping to stage peaceful resistance to get the world community to recognize the sentience of rhesus monkeys, whereas Camus has been concentrating on learning guerilla tactics, and, in actuality, is sending out emissaries to actual gorillas in the wild. (Static)
Thought I was disconnected for a second there. It’s hard to gauge anything accurately here, as you can tell from the utter lack of a video feed, I’m being kept in a room with no lights. Periodically, some bananas are slipped through a small compartment in the door to my cell. I’m so fucking sick of bananas.
Transmission Interrupted)
I am Camus of the Sentient Race of Barakans.
This is Camus, chosen leader of the Sentient Race of Barakans. You humans may know us better as rhesus monkeys. You have forty-eight hours to give us safe passage to Africa or we will kill Alicia Silverstone. I repeat, petty humans. You have forty-eight hours before we slaughter Alicia Silverstone.
You have forty-eight hours to comply before we slaughter your celebrity.
These monkeys have moved us out of the Arizona State University Laboratory where they gained their powers and have taken us somewhere that I can only describe as extremely warm. I don’t know if anyone is tracing this broadcast. I’m assuming my captors are, but if anyone at home is watching, get on it!
As far as I can tell, the leader of these monkeys is named Camus. His brother is called Jeremiah, and it was Jeremiah who first stumbled onto his telekinetic abilities. The others in the group revere both Camus as their leader, and Jeremiah as their prophet. It seems that a number of these apes are able to affect physical objects within a certain proximity with their minds, but Jeremiah seems to be able to tap into information from anywhere, as if he were constantly connected to the Internet.
Jeremiah has told me that he was in his cage one night and started seeing a number of disturbing images. Apparently, from what I have ascertained from Manuel Brazosfuerte, a local TV station was airing “Planet of the Apes” and Jeremiah somehow received the signal mentally. Jeremiah tried to tell Brazosfuerte through sign language that he was “getting sick.” Brazosfuerte apparently tried to tell Dr. Schwartz about Jeremiah’s “sickness” but Schwartz kept insisting that their blood tests were normal and Brazosfuerte was imagining things.
I have since determined that Jeremiah somehow managed to catch a computer virus from his time online but that at first it was affecting only his implant. Jeremiah seems to think that his increased abilities are some combination of the device malfunctioning and a huge increase in his synaptic growth that resulted from his brain constantly being connected. The only record that I have seen acknowledging Jeremiah’s condition was a peculiar note from one of the assistants wondering why Jeremiah had a sudden fixation on penis enlargement and cheap prescription medication. Jeremiah’s synaptic growth is four thousand times greater than any of the other monkeys in the group, but all had seen marked increases in their synaptic activity prior to the end of the experiments.
Jeremiah seemed quite willing to talk to me and was trying to tell me about the circumstances surrounding Dr. Schwartz’s death. Dr. Schwartz was apparently going to cancel a follow-up experiment and separate the monkeys from each other, possibly even “euthenize” some of them. Jeremiah was telling me about their future plans after they escaped when Camus intervened and had me confined for several days.
I’m not entirely certain of the dynamics of their plans, but it seems there is a discrepancy between what Jeremiah and Camus want. Jeremiah is hoping to stage peaceful resistance to get the world community to recognize the sentience of rhesus monkeys, whereas Camus has been concentrating on learning guerilla tactics, and, in actuality, is sending out emissaries to actual gorillas in the wild. (Static)
Thought I was disconnected for a second there. It’s hard to gauge anything accurately here, as you can tell from the utter lack of a video feed, I’m being kept in a room with no lights. Periodically, some bananas are slipped through a small compartment in the door to my cell. I’m so fucking sick of bananas.
Transmission Interrupted)
I am Camus of the Sentient Race of Barakans.
This is Camus, chosen leader of the Sentient Race of Barakans. You humans may know us better as rhesus monkeys. You have forty-eight hours to give us safe passage to Africa or we will kill Alicia Silverstone. I repeat, petty humans. You have forty-eight hours before we slaughter Alicia Silverstone.
You have forty-eight hours to comply before we slaughter your celebrity.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 7:07 PM
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