Saddam Hussein Rethinks Prejudices
At the first day of his trial for crimes against humanity, acts of genocide, as well as war crimes, former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said he might have to rethink his longstanding policy of hating Jews.
“I know I used to stand at the veranda of this very palace and call for the destruction of Israel, but after consultation with my excellent Jewish lawyer, I must conclude I was very wrong. I mean, I thought I was pretty ruthless using poison gas against the Kurds and raping women in front of their husbands, but this guy is a real ballbuster. The Americans haven’t got a shot.”
Sadddam Huseein renounced his lonstanding hatred of Jews today.
The lawyer who has reversed Hussein’s longstanding prejudices is currently unnamed for security reasons, but we are told Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey are standing by in the event of a conflict or assassination, both of which are equally likely.
Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey are poised to stand in for Hussein's lawyer in the event of conflict or assassination.
On a related note, the newly sovereign Republic of Iraq has today gained the power to mint postage stamps. Our sources tell us that the stamps will feature images of Saddam’s statue toppling, British World War I propaganda with a German soldier, bearing a likeness to Saddam Hussein, bayoneting an infant, and the most expensive will bear the image of the Halliburton corporate logo.
In other news, presumed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry apparently is in a dead heat with incumbent President George W. Bush according to a recent Gallup poll. This is despite a stumbling economy, a steadily climbing death toll in Iraq, record deficits, and the fact that the media crowned Kerry the winner before a third of America had even voted. When the possibility of a Nader candidacy was worked into the numbers, the questioners found that John Kerry didn’t have a “snowball’s chance in hell” of getting elected president.
Senator Kerry is in a dead heat with incumbent Bush according to a recent Gallup poll.
John Kerry spoke with reporters earlier today: “Well, the election’s not until November. I’m still counting on Bush to keep screwing up and for people to get sick enough of him to consider voting for me. I have no substantive policy ideas; my campaign is solely based on bashing Bush. Granted, there’s a lot of material for me to work with, but I think the American people might want more. I’m going to talk with some of my advisors, but we might be pretty screwed here.”
In further news, former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole was hospitalized today, reportedly for an erection that has lasted several days. His wife, Senator Elizabeth Dole, could not be reached for comment as she was on the phone with her husband, apparently trying to help him climax through phone sex. Former President Bill Clinton is reportedly in flight to Dole’s hospital room with copious amounts of pornography and his “special Secret Service team.” Current President Bush expressed his sympathies for Dole’s plight saying, “I’m praying for Senator Dole; and I can sympathize. My wife won’t let me touch her until I finish reading “My Pet Goat.”
That’s the news for today, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.
At the first day of his trial for crimes against humanity, acts of genocide, as well as war crimes, former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said he might have to rethink his longstanding policy of hating Jews.
“I know I used to stand at the veranda of this very palace and call for the destruction of Israel, but after consultation with my excellent Jewish lawyer, I must conclude I was very wrong. I mean, I thought I was pretty ruthless using poison gas against the Kurds and raping women in front of their husbands, but this guy is a real ballbuster. The Americans haven’t got a shot.”
Sadddam Huseein renounced his lonstanding hatred of Jews today.
The lawyer who has reversed Hussein’s longstanding prejudices is currently unnamed for security reasons, but we are told Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey are standing by in the event of a conflict or assassination, both of which are equally likely.
Johnny Cochran and F. Lee Bailey are poised to stand in for Hussein's lawyer in the event of conflict or assassination.
On a related note, the newly sovereign Republic of Iraq has today gained the power to mint postage stamps. Our sources tell us that the stamps will feature images of Saddam’s statue toppling, British World War I propaganda with a German soldier, bearing a likeness to Saddam Hussein, bayoneting an infant, and the most expensive will bear the image of the Halliburton corporate logo.
In other news, presumed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry apparently is in a dead heat with incumbent President George W. Bush according to a recent Gallup poll. This is despite a stumbling economy, a steadily climbing death toll in Iraq, record deficits, and the fact that the media crowned Kerry the winner before a third of America had even voted. When the possibility of a Nader candidacy was worked into the numbers, the questioners found that John Kerry didn’t have a “snowball’s chance in hell” of getting elected president.
Senator Kerry is in a dead heat with incumbent Bush according to a recent Gallup poll.
John Kerry spoke with reporters earlier today: “Well, the election’s not until November. I’m still counting on Bush to keep screwing up and for people to get sick enough of him to consider voting for me. I have no substantive policy ideas; my campaign is solely based on bashing Bush. Granted, there’s a lot of material for me to work with, but I think the American people might want more. I’m going to talk with some of my advisors, but we might be pretty screwed here.”
In further news, former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole was hospitalized today, reportedly for an erection that has lasted several days. His wife, Senator Elizabeth Dole, could not be reached for comment as she was on the phone with her husband, apparently trying to help him climax through phone sex. Former President Bill Clinton is reportedly in flight to Dole’s hospital room with copious amounts of pornography and his “special Secret Service team.” Current President Bush expressed his sympathies for Dole’s plight saying, “I’m praying for Senator Dole; and I can sympathize. My wife won’t let me touch her until I finish reading “My Pet Goat.”
That’s the news for today, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 8:29 PM
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