Michael Jackson Attempting to Trap and Kill James Bond

Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson. Our correspondent Anne Wilson is in California to report on breaking news. Anne, what’s the story in California?
“Well, Taylor, I had originally flown to California to speak with Michael Jackson’s attorney concerning the disappearance of Michael’s chimp Bubbles. The rumors have been flying that the two had a falling-out over Michael’s ongoing legal troubles. One other rumor has it that Bubbles has escaped to join a secret movement of sentient, telekinetic monkeys whose location is still unknown. I had hoped to speak with Bubbles through an interpreter to see if he had, indeed, communicated with these monkeys and if he knew the whereabouts of our former anchor, Khalid Azar. Both the Justice Department and the Department of Defense have denied the existence of such a movement, but Khalid and Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge have now been missing for weeks in what may be related incidents.


 

However, when I arrived at Neverland I was greeted by a brigade of security personnel, clad in black, who bade me to wait in the office while Mr. Jackson attended to ‘some business.’ As I sit here I can see through a window that Mr. Jackson is currently struggling in a heavy thunderstorm atop the Ferris Wheel here at Neverland Ranch. At first I could not see the individual he was fighting, but he bears a striking resemblance to none other than famed playboy millionaire James Bond. I do not know the nature of the struggle, but it appears both men are fighting for their lives, and a few moments ago I heard Mr. Bond vehemently ask Mr. Jackson for the code to the “Thriller Bomb” as Mr. Jackson’s rhinoplasty nose fell in tatters to the pavement below. My sources at DARPA tell me that the Thriller Bomb is a theoretical device that when tied to a neutron bomb has the potential to turn its victims into brain-hungry zombies. When asked why such a device was ever theorized, my source replied, ‘for the worst possible reason. . . because we could.’
Hold on a moment. . . it appears that Mr. Jackson has been victorious over Mr. Bond and is binding him to the Ferris Wheel in such a way as to slowly and excruciatingly separate Bond’s limbs from his torso. Mr. Jackson has turned away from the Ferris Wheel and appears to be Moonwalking away from it. This is apparently to taunt Mr. Bond, or to express Mr. Jackson’s lack of interest in actually seeing Mr. Bond’s literal dismemberment. Mr. Jackson appears to be Moonwalking toward the ranch. We will keep rolling in the hope that I will not encounter the same fate as Mr. Bond.
Wait! Mr. Bond has miraculously escaped his binding and is sneaking up on Mr. Jackson! Mr. Bond appears to be armed, although where he obtained the weapon I do not know. Even playboy millionaires in Britain are not permitted to carry firearms, but Mr. Bond may have used a gun show loophole to purchase the gun in the U.S. He is now using the gun to threaten Mr. Jackson and is again demanding the code to the Thriller Bomb, which is apparently somewhere on Neverland Ranch and, according to the scrolling digits being broadcast across the Ranch, is set to detonate within minutes.
Mr. Jackson’s attempt to wrest the gun from Bond’s hands was met with a fatal gunshot. I cannot be certain, but it appears as though Jackson’s body is spuriously pumping green blood around the courtyard. Mr. Bond has disappeared into what appears to be a storm cellar. I’m going to try to get closer to the action. . . (Fade out)”
“Taylor, I’m back. I’m down in what seems to be an intricate underground tunnel system beneath the Neverland Valley Compound. Here I have found that Mr. Bond has freed a number of prisoners, which include several children scheduled for an “overnight” and Bond’s current girlfriend, a stripper from Miami named Delicious Valley. Mr. Bond is now trying to stop the Thriller Bomb from detonating with the assistance of Delicious Valley, who is apparently an adept computer programmer despite her current profession. As you can see from the digital readout, Mr. Bond has only ten seconds to go before all of us may be transformed into brain-hungry zombies. I never thought I’d say this, but if John Ashcroft or Janet Reno is watching, please come and destroy us! Wait. . . with only one second to go, Mr. Bond has successfully stopped the detonation. Mr. Bond, Mr. Bond, how do you feel having just saved the world from a horde of brain-hungry zombies?”
“I must say, I’m a bit shaken, but not too stirred.”