This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner. I been assigned to follow the disappearances of Khalid Azar, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, and the apparent kidnaping of celebrity Alicia Silverstone. The network informs me that I am the only person with no conflict of interest; due to my status as an intern, I own no stocks in companies that invested in the study at the University of Arizona. Also, I’ve been told I’m, quote, “the only one here besides Chomsky wacked enough to maybe figure out what the fuck is going on.”
Despite the cynicism behind the move, I vowed that I would try to practice “responsible” journalism. I won’t automatically jump to the conclusion that the Tri-Lateral Commission had something to do with this, although I am tempted to, given Khalid’s reference to the penis-enlargement spam mail I think is a Grey plot.
So, after my daily communing with the trees outside my apartment today, I think I am sufficiently objective to tackle this “meaty” story with my keen Vegan senses. I started by interviewing Khalid’s wife to see if Khalid encoded any secret messages to her in his last broadcast. She said the only thing she thought was odd was that the monkeys are referring to themselves as Barakans. She thinks they must have some sort of mind-reading ability or that they learned the term “baraka” directly from Khalid. The term is used by Sufi Muslims to denote “spiritual energy.” This may provide some clue as to the mechanism by which the Barakans are able to exert influence over physical objects with their minds.
The next thing I did was attempt to contact the Department of Homeland Security to see if they had ascertained any clues as to Tom Ridge’s whereabouts. I re-watched his juggling performance on Letterman to see if he left any clues. I must say, I’m feeling very Nancy Drew. . .
The Department of Homeland Security still denies that Tom Ridge has been missing since his juggling performance on Letterman.
Anyway, Homeland Security still denies he has disappeared. . . big shock. But they did tell me that the Terror Alert Level is at Burnt Umber about twenty times while I was on hold. The interesting thing about this is that the Bush junta’s usual blather about terrorist chatter. . . hey, I rhymed! Sorry. . . so they haven’t been hyping the shit out of any Al-Qaeda warnings, but they’re denying that the monkeys exist. I’m temporarily resisting my temptation to imply a relationship here, but it seems odd that the people who invoke the Patriot Act and September 11th every time they name a new dogcatcher wouldn’t be creaming themselves over terrorist monkeys. I mean, this would give them an excuse to destroy Nature and kill things at the same time.
But, setting that aside for a second, my next obvious contact was, of course, Dr. Jane Goodall. She had just returned from a six-month stint in Africa studying the mating habits of chimpanzees in the wild when she spoke with me earlier:
“There's absolutely no question that when non-human primates are put into the tiny, barren, sterile cages that are typical of almost all medical research facilities - such as those at Arizona State University - they suffer most terribly. They suffer from boredom. They suffer terribly from being kept in isolation from others of their kind because monkeys and apes are extremely social, and they suffer from depression. The same kind of clinical symptoms that a depressed human child shows are seen in many instances in monkeys and chimpanzees kept in these inhumane and shocking conditions.
Though I’m surprised at the violence of some of these monkeys, namely the one you refer to as Camus, I must say I’m not surprised that they’re acting the way they are. If you were to see the nobility of these animals in the wild, as opposed to the ones we keep cooped up, you would understand their yearning. I’m not saying I agree with their methods, as they are all too human, but I am probably one of the few humans who understand. If they are watching, I just want to say to them, settle down.”
She also volunteered to mediate the conflict in a peaceable fashion, provided that Alicia Silverstone is sent home safely as well as the others the Barakans have kidnaped. Hold on, I’m being pre-empted by Taylor Robinson.
Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson with breaking news. I’m being told that a team of federal agents has been dispatched to a remote location in Las Vegas, from where it is believed Khalid Azar’s most recent broadcast was sent. The claim is that they are looking for the hideout of known bookie Jacob Feldman. Thus far, the agents have not found anything, but an unnamed source tells me that they believe Alicia Silverstone is still alive. No word on whether any of their other victims are there or still alive. I return you now to Conspiracy Corner.
Jane Goodall has volunteered to mediate for the Barakans, provided that Alicia Silverstone is still alive.
Well, our time’s up for this evening. Thus far, I can only say that I hope the “Barakans” decide to contact Jane Goodall and that this whole thing can be resolved peacefully. I will be broadcasting more frequently as I learn more about this, and no, loyal fans, I still haven’t ruled out the Greys. This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner.
Despite the cynicism behind the move, I vowed that I would try to practice “responsible” journalism. I won’t automatically jump to the conclusion that the Tri-Lateral Commission had something to do with this, although I am tempted to, given Khalid’s reference to the penis-enlargement spam mail I think is a Grey plot.
So, after my daily communing with the trees outside my apartment today, I think I am sufficiently objective to tackle this “meaty” story with my keen Vegan senses. I started by interviewing Khalid’s wife to see if Khalid encoded any secret messages to her in his last broadcast. She said the only thing she thought was odd was that the monkeys are referring to themselves as Barakans. She thinks they must have some sort of mind-reading ability or that they learned the term “baraka” directly from Khalid. The term is used by Sufi Muslims to denote “spiritual energy.” This may provide some clue as to the mechanism by which the Barakans are able to exert influence over physical objects with their minds.
The next thing I did was attempt to contact the Department of Homeland Security to see if they had ascertained any clues as to Tom Ridge’s whereabouts. I re-watched his juggling performance on Letterman to see if he left any clues. I must say, I’m feeling very Nancy Drew. . .
The Department of Homeland Security still denies that Tom Ridge has been missing since his juggling performance on Letterman.
Anyway, Homeland Security still denies he has disappeared. . . big shock. But they did tell me that the Terror Alert Level is at Burnt Umber about twenty times while I was on hold. The interesting thing about this is that the Bush junta’s usual blather about terrorist chatter. . . hey, I rhymed! Sorry. . . so they haven’t been hyping the shit out of any Al-Qaeda warnings, but they’re denying that the monkeys exist. I’m temporarily resisting my temptation to imply a relationship here, but it seems odd that the people who invoke the Patriot Act and September 11th every time they name a new dogcatcher wouldn’t be creaming themselves over terrorist monkeys. I mean, this would give them an excuse to destroy Nature and kill things at the same time.
But, setting that aside for a second, my next obvious contact was, of course, Dr. Jane Goodall. She had just returned from a six-month stint in Africa studying the mating habits of chimpanzees in the wild when she spoke with me earlier:
“There's absolutely no question that when non-human primates are put into the tiny, barren, sterile cages that are typical of almost all medical research facilities - such as those at Arizona State University - they suffer most terribly. They suffer from boredom. They suffer terribly from being kept in isolation from others of their kind because monkeys and apes are extremely social, and they suffer from depression. The same kind of clinical symptoms that a depressed human child shows are seen in many instances in monkeys and chimpanzees kept in these inhumane and shocking conditions.
Though I’m surprised at the violence of some of these monkeys, namely the one you refer to as Camus, I must say I’m not surprised that they’re acting the way they are. If you were to see the nobility of these animals in the wild, as opposed to the ones we keep cooped up, you would understand their yearning. I’m not saying I agree with their methods, as they are all too human, but I am probably one of the few humans who understand. If they are watching, I just want to say to them, settle down.”
She also volunteered to mediate the conflict in a peaceable fashion, provided that Alicia Silverstone is sent home safely as well as the others the Barakans have kidnaped. Hold on, I’m being pre-empted by Taylor Robinson.
Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson with breaking news. I’m being told that a team of federal agents has been dispatched to a remote location in Las Vegas, from where it is believed Khalid Azar’s most recent broadcast was sent. The claim is that they are looking for the hideout of known bookie Jacob Feldman. Thus far, the agents have not found anything, but an unnamed source tells me that they believe Alicia Silverstone is still alive. No word on whether any of their other victims are there or still alive. I return you now to Conspiracy Corner.
Jane Goodall has volunteered to mediate for the Barakans, provided that Alicia Silverstone is still alive.
Well, our time’s up for this evening. Thus far, I can only say that I hope the “Barakans” decide to contact Jane Goodall and that this whole thing can be resolved peacefully. I will be broadcasting more frequently as I learn more about this, and no, loyal fans, I still haven’t ruled out the Greys. This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 8:55 PM
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