Newer, More Sensitive Harvard

Psychologists and psychiatrists gathered in Boston, MA on the Harvard campus are eagerly awaiting the unveiling of an unprecedented advance in motherhood, which many analysts predict will bring billions of dollars and untold billable hours to the field of psychiatry in coming decades. The project’s scientists have only now released details and we here at Dieboldt Patriot News have been given an exclusive peek into their groundbreaking work. Dr. Finnegan Fievish Schwartz-Corrigan, newly elected President of Harvard University, is ascending to the podium.
(Applause)
“Thank you. Thank you very much. As the new president of our prestigious University, I want to assure you my tenure will see none of the sort of offensive remarks made by President emeritus Lawrence H. Summers. I have been instructed by the grand jury never to discuss the vast academic and pay scale differences between broads and dudes. . . in public. . .
“I want to assure critics of our esteemed university that I will bring sensitivity and progressive innovation to our beloved institution and a new era of collaboration between disciplines. I am here today to unveil the culmination of our first such endeavor. It is the result of five years of intense work by teams from our Psychology department, our state-of-the-art Genetics department, and our Independent Studies Program:
“For generations, two ethnicities and cultures have battled for the title of having the most overbearing mothers. The Jewish people have made this claim for thousands of years, but in recent centuries, once Catholicism reached Ireland, the Irish people became the upstart challengers to this title.
“Now, many in our field have argued for years that the ‘Irish insanity’ has more causes than just overbearing mothers. Granted, Freudian psychology cannot explain the stereotypical idiosyncracies of either people, thus our constant ‘nature vs. nurture’ debate. But, as we all know, the vast majority of Irish fathers are abusive drunks and useless, unemployed roustabouts. But, we decided not to enter the fray of this semantic and Semitic debate, and instead decided to focus on what we could to bring these two groups together.
“Lads and lasses, I proudly present to you the culmination of years of dedicated effort: the Jewrish Mother. The Jewrish Mother boasts a number of advantages over traditional Jewish and Irish mothers.


Harvard proto-type Jewrish Mother Hadassah Bridget McSchwartz 

“For instance, the Jewrish Mother has two sets of holidays from two oppressive, monolithic religious traditions on which to call her son or daughter and complain that they never call. Furthermore, the long, guilt-inducing histories of Catholicism and Judaism have been dovetailed into what we in the lab have been calling the Mother of all Mothers.
“The benefits abound in this, modern science’s greatest creation. Here we have combined two peoples whose collective maladies, both genetically inherited and psychosomatic are legendary; thus ensuring new generations of our nation’s children will continue to visit our offices in search of expensive medications. This also provides the Jewrish mother with a colossal list of frightening diseases their ‘ungrateful children’ should ‘thank God/The Lord they don’t have,’ if they have ‘the nerve to complain.’ Furthermore, the collective historical suffering of both peoples provides a bevy of ways in which the Jewrish Mother can chide: ‘You think you suffer, let me tell you something about suffering. . .’
“In addition to this remarkable invention, other departments of our university have collaborated on supplemental applications. Our MBA program, in collaboration with our Underwater Weaving Program, has created a breathtaking new yarmulke with the Irish blessing stitched into the interior. The exterior of the yarmulke features a picture of John F. Kennedy and a map of Israel. . .”

I’m sorry to interrupt this broadcast, but I have breaking news from our Washington correspondent, Brooke Haltertop. Now, Brooke, I understand that President Bush has called a press conference to condemn the latest announcement from Harvard. Brooke, what’s going on in Washington?

“Well, Taylor, White House Press Secretary is about to release a statement from President Bush, condemning the latest announcement from Harvard. We have yet to see the statement, but to fill air time I will speculate on its contents.”

Sorry to interrupt, Brooke, but we also have analyst and former Attorney General John Ashcroft live via satellite, to counter-speculate as per the Equal Spin Initiative enacted last week by the President and Congress as an attachment to the new bankruptcy legislation. Attorney Ashcroft, how are you this evening?

“I’m quite well, Taylor. Before we get started I’d just like to mention that my new CD, Let the Eagle Soar will be available at Wal-Marts across the country this weekend. Now, despite my religious objections to a woman speaking publicly, based on the First Letter to Timothy, Chapter 2, verse 11, I will allow the nice young girl here to speak first.”


Former Attorney General John Ashcroft's new album "Let the Eagle Soar" will be available exclusively at Wal-Marts nationwide starting this weekend.


“Well, Taylor, my sources tell me that President Bush is objecting to Harvard’s announcement because Harvard used the federally provided stem-cell lines to create their proto-type Jewrish mother, Hadassah Bridget McSchwartz. The barbaric Republicans, who abhor all scientific progress and are anti-choice, object on anachronistic ‘moral grounds’ to Harvard’s use of federally funded stem-cell lines and genetic engineering to create a new, awe-inspiring incarnation of human life. Also, the war-mongering Republicans object to research money spent on the creation and nurturing of human life, as opposed to being dumped into the Star Wars program, or invading another country.”

“Now, Cathy,”

“Brooke, Mr. Ashcroft.”

“Brooke. You know the party doesn’t object on those grounds. What we object to are the godless liberal iconoclasts who want honest, God-fearing American taxpayers to foot the bill for their thinly veiled attempt to pod-breed more Democrats. We both know that these aberrations and abominations are never going to vote Republican. Besides, we know these so called “Jewrish mothers,” will not be appeased unless their offspring become doctors, lawyers, or successful Hollywood liberal propagandists. Our country cannot afford the costs to the government and industry of the merging of doctors, lawyers, and company with the hideous Irish practice of labor unions. Your Frank McCourtenstein monsters cannot be allowed to ‘wipe their feet’ on the American flag just before they burn it.”

“Mr. Ashcroft, I strongly object to your. . .”

I’m sorry, Brooke. The provisions of the Equal Spin Act clearly stipulate that I must give the final word to a Republican. Brooke Haltertop, Mr. Ashcroft, thank you very much for talking to us. This is Taylor Robinson, and after the break, we’ll go live to the White House where Press Secretary Scott McClellan will be giving us a pre-made Video News release about this issue, narrated by Jeff Gannon. We are now legally required to mention this in passing prior to airing the broadcast without interruption or commentary. You’re watching Dieboldt Patriot News.

Mayor Campbell of Cleveland Admits Own Incompetence

City Shrugs in Response

At a press conference in Cleveland, OH packed with economists, unemployed steel workers, and teachers who were fired to free up more money for Barbara Byrd-Bennett, Mayor Jane Campbell ceremoniously washed her hands in Cleveland’s polluted waters, indicating that she was giving up the mayorship for a wide range of reasons.
“It just really struck me the other day as I noticed our city has descended even further down the economic ladder since I took office; I am a horrible mayor. I have no clue how to properly manage an inner city packed largely with African-Americans. To be honest, I’ve never really felt comfortable around black people, and growing up in the suburbs, I’d always considered downtown Cleveland a Forbidden Zone like in Planet of the Apes. I actually only ever ran for mayor of this no-horse town because I thought it might get me closer to my idol Martha Stewart or some air time on The Antiques Roadshow. Alright, I’m laying it all on the line. . . I suck at this.


Mayor Jane Campbell of Cleveland prepares to wash her hands in Cleveland's polluted waters. She is pictured here with her Diversity Advisory Board. 


However, there is a silver lining. By courageously taking the mantle of leadership away from Raymond Pierce, who was much more qualified than me to be mayor, I have taken pressure off of other leaders here for Cleveland’s utter failure to be economically or culturally relevant to the rest of the country in decades.
By the way, to rectify this situation, we’re firing the rest of the teachers in Cleveland, and Barbara Byrd-Bennett will now be sworn in as mayor. I will continue to draw a salary for the rest of my term, and will continue to draw heavily on city resources to feather my own nest. Thank you very much, and thank you especially to the Ritz Carlton for catering this press conference at taxpayer expense."
Mayor Campbell then left the podium to eat baluga caviar and discuss Cleveland's economic woes, ironically without once addressing the issues of homelessness or joblessness. A reporter stopped her briefly to ask an economic policy question, but was interrupted by Campbell, who tugged her jacket lapel and said proudly, "It's a Donna Karen."


Mayor Jane Campbell of Cleveland with her security entourage of Cleveland Police officers getting paid overtime. File photo. 

Democrats Secretly Rejoice They Lost Presidential Race

Amidst the self-inflicted floggings and browbeatings of the Democratic Party this week, there are also reports of what some analysts are calling “campaign relief.” In an interview with Esquire, campaign manager Bob Shrum was quoted as saying:
“It’s hard dodging issues and not taking comprehendible positions for several months at a time. I must tell you that I was very concerned for a brief period that candidate Kerry might have actually taken a stand that we would have had to back up had he been elected. By successfully refusing to stand firm on anything short of our prize pig issues like Social Security, John Kerry has really scored a victory for the party. The Democratic party has no real desire to be relevant. I mean, my God, what if he had won? We would have had to actually formulate policy rather than just criticize it.”
Former President Clinton echoed some of the same sentiments at the opening of his Presidential Library this week. Standing in front of a veiled room he calls the “Adult Literature and Media Section,” he spoke to reporters about Kerry’s not-so-tragic loss.
“Look, I was the only successful Democratic president since Kennedy, and I can now tell you a little secret. I didn’t do shit while I was in office, and that’s why I was so successful. Remember when the Democrats controlled Congress and I was President? That was horrible! Thank God the Republicans came in and set my policy for me. Once they came in I knew I could just lay back, snipe at them, and enjoy the blow jobs.”


Former President Clinton made remarks to reporters today at the opening of his Presidential library. 

Independent analysts at the Center for the Plainly Manifest released a study this week explaining the so-called “moral divide” between Republicans and Democrats. Its findings concluded that although the Democratic party serves the economic interests of the majority, it fails to effectively emphasize this to voters. It also serves to alienate many people by refusing to budge from the fence on many issues like gay marriage, ironically in an attempt not to alienate any voting bloc.
Shadowy Republican figure Karl Rove spoke with FOX new correspondent Sean Hannity this morning about the 4% election victory they see as a vast mandate.


Karl Rove spoke with Sean Hannity of Fox News about the Republican agenda for the next four years. 

“Well, you see, Sean, it boils down to this. The Democrats want to tell you how to spend your money, and our party wants to tell you how to live your life. Given a choice between those two, most Americans would much rather hold onto their money right now because the economy is in the shitter. Add to that their total ineptness at lying to voters about the issues they care about, and you can see why we won in a landslide. The last candidate they had who was any good at lying to voters was Clinton, and he was practically a Republican.”
He went on to praise Ohio for voting against its economic self-interest and laughed off the idea that Canada would be getting an influx of immigrants.
“Canada has no desire to get more immigrants to drain their welfare state dry and compete with their government-sponsored marijuana dealers. Besides, we’ve seen that Democrats are too lazy and inept to fill out the necessary forms. Plus, even a tax and spend Democrat like Kerry couldn’t handle Canada’s level of taxation. So they should just lie back and enjoy their growing irrelevancy. I’m thinking the first thing I’ll do is have Bushie try to push through a bill that makes it mandatory to watch The Passion of the Christ. The Democrats won’t know what to do because we’ll just say their opposition proves they hate God. God, the next four years are going to be fun!”
Rove then continued by bursting into maniacal laughter and rubbing his wallet and a Bible on his nipples and making a veiled reference to invading Iran before laughing again and saying they don’t have enough oil to make it worth it. Hannity then cut to commercial after announcing his next guest, Pat Robertson, who is considered to be on the short list to replace Micheal Eisner as Secretary of Defense. That’s the news on the hour, this is Taylor Robinson for Patriot News. What the hell happened to Khalid?

President Bush, you'll get this election from me when you pry it from my cold, dead, hands! 

Trailing Democrats Try Vaudeville

A recent Gallup poll has shown that President Bush is currently thirteen points ahead of contender Senator John Kerry. Democratic insiders have been pushing their candidates to be more pressing on domestic and foreign issues such as the war in Iraq, the economy, and the war on terror. The campaign, in the past two weeks, has attempted to hammer the administration on such issues as Halliburton’s no-bid contracts in Iraq, the desertion of key allies in Iraq, and most notably, the expiration of the Assault Weapons Ban. All of these issues have yet to take hold, and many see the Kerry campaign as slipping into oblivion.
With that in mind, the Kerry campaign has started attempting to liven up their campaign stops with vaudeville-style performances. Campaign strategist Bob Shrum, who helped Gore lose the election in 2000, explains: “People are tired of seeing the same speeches and attack politics at every campaign stop. They’re tired of hearing the same old promises and denunciations. They want to see some showmanship.”
Starting Tuesday, John Kerry and Senator Edwards tried to put Shrum’s advice into play. John Kerry gave a speech in Wisconsin laying out his plan to give affordable health care to Americans and called the Bush administration a “bunch of lying worms.” He then proceeded to thunk a jar of worms onto the podium and eat a handful of the worms. After swallowing, he finished, “President Bush, I eat worms like you for breakfast.”
White House spokesman McClellan responded, “This is unbelievable pandering to the lowest common denominator. I think he is doing a disservice to those who died on September 11th by treating this election like an episode of Fear Factor.”


John Kerry conducted a rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" at an Atlanta picnic. He then substantially criticized the Bush administration while drinking a glass of water.  


Edwards wowed a Memphis crowd with a tender rendition of "In the Ghetto" before giving his 4000th a capella rendition of "The Two Americas Speech" 


McClellan then went on to mention September 11th five more times and briefly mentioned that the Bush administration is “closely monitoring” the “situation” in North Korea, but there are currently no plans to intervene militarily.
“Look, unlike Saddam Hussein lying about not having weapons of mass destruction related programs, Kim Jong II is clearly trying to give us the impression that he has them. We’re not going to fall for it. In this case, the smoking gun must be a mushroom cloud because we’ve committed all our troops to go into the meat-grinder in Iraq.”
When asked if this situation wouldn’t have been a better test of President Bush’s pre-emptive strike policy, McClellan responded that the post September 11th world dictated that we invade Iraq, but not North Korea.


Kim Jong II denies reports that the Barakans have been given safe haven in North Korea and that the explosions last week were related to nuclear testing. 

On a related note, our sources tell us that Kim Jon II arranged to secretly transport a group of sentient, telekinetic monkeys who call themselves the Barakans to North Korea. We have no other information at this time, but it believed that our own reporter Khalid Azar is still among them. Dr. Jane Goodall could not be reached for comment, but we did speak with the handlers of famous gorilla Koko. They are disinclined to believe in the existence of the Barakans as the Bush administration still denies they exist, but they have surreptitiously removed Koko’s ability to access the Internet. That’s the news as it happens, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.


While still denying the existence of the Barakans, Koko's handler's have surreptitously removed her access to the Internet.  

The Republican National Convention Goes Off Without a Hitch. 

New Study Finds Most Clevelanders Excited to Finally Be Number One

A recent nationwide economic survey ranked Cleveland, Ohio as the poorest city in the nation. Cleveland Mayor Jane Campbell promised to launch an investigation and today the results are in. The investigation was funded by firing six more Cleveland teachers and giving their salaries to Barbara Byrd-Bennet to administrate and chair the committee.


Cleveland, a city in Ohio, was recently ranked the poorest city in the nation and as having the worst schools. Pictured here is Barbara Byrd-Bennet, who may or may not be Cleveland's mayor or superintendant or something. 

The respondents were asked six questions concerning what they had heard about the economic survey as well as questions about their spending habits and socio-economic habits. Some of the survey questions are as follows:

1. In a recent survey of U.S. Cities, Cleveland was listed as the Number One city in America, how does that make you feel?
A. Excited B. Overjoyed C. Intrigued D. All of the above

4. One of the plans to continue revitalization of Cleveland is to build a new convention center downtown. Would you support this initiative if:
A. There was a place for you to sleep? B. There was a designated place for you to beg for change? C. Special drinking fountain were installed that dispensed alcohol or crack? D. You knew we were going to do it regardless of cost or consequence?

6. The survey of U.S. cities also ranked Cleveland’s school-system as the worst in the nation. Which of the following initiatives to improve the schools would you support?
A. Firing more teachers and giving Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money B. A special tax levy to rebuild our crumbling school infrastructures and to give Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money. C. Allowing corporations to sponsor various classes and giving Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money. D. Renewing forced busing so that Cleveland’s children can get a decent education in Westlake, selling off the metal detectors in Cleveland schools, and donating the proceeds to Barbara Byrd-Bennet.


The scenic Cleveland skyline 


On a related note, President Bush was asked today what he thought about Cleveland’s ranking as the nation’s poorest city. Believing he was off the record, he responded, No way, Cleveland’s not still actually a city is it? I’m about to go to real city in a couple of days.”
When notified that he was on the record, he quickly changed his tune, “Well, I think my tax relief program is really helping to strengthen the economy and that Cleveland will find its job strength growing along with the rest of the nation.”
Senator Kerry could not be reached for comment although he did send the city of Cleveland one of his guitars to put in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is apparently centered in Cleveland.
In a few moments we’ll talk with Vice-Presidential Candidate John Edwards to hear his comments on the Republican National Convention in New York City. You’re watching Dieboldt Patriot News. . .

New Economic Indicator to be Revealed in Bagdhad

Investors worldwide today are anxiously awaiting the unveiling of a new economic index. The index’s creators claim it will be one of the most accurate prognosticators of the twists and turns of the world economy. The index will be read daily from Bagdhad, in what was once one of Saddam Hussein’s most lavish palaces. Among the illustrious guests scheduled to attend the unveiling of the new index are Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, Pope John Paul II, Bill Gates, Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia, President Karzai of Afghanistan, Secretary of State Colin Powell, Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan and Prime Minister Allawi of Iraq. Each guest, along with his entourage, will be viewing the unveiling from secure, “terrorist-proof” rooms on the mezzanine level above the floor of the palace. Our very own reporter, Tracy Jacobs is reporting live from Iraq.
Tracy, how would you describe the atmosphere of the palace?
“Well, Taylor, the excitement in the air is quite palpable. This is a very high-profile event, and the economic tension preceding this unveiling was made evident earlier today when Alan Greenspan sneezed and the DOW dipped 2000 points for half an hour until it was reported that Mr. Greenspan was still healthy and in good spirits. Our analysts have been trying to get a moment with Mr. Greenspan for several hours to see if he could shine some light on the nature of this index and what sort of effect good or bad results from it might have on the American economy. He has thus far remained coy, stating only that “it will make the NASDAQ seem like a waste of (expletive deleted) ticker-tape.”


Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is also in attendance today. The DOW took a 2000 point dive today when Mr. Greenspan sneezed, but it has since rebounded. 

“Mr. Allawi is about to take the podium, where he will introduce the new finance minister of Iraq, Abdel Abdul Mahdi. Wait, wait, it appear Finance Minister Mahdi was assassinated on the way over here. . . par for the course, I suppose. Wait, hold on a moment, Prime Minister Allawi is making an announcement. It appears that Prime Minister Allawi has allotted for this contingency and is in the process of appointing a new Iraqi finance minister. . . He’s about to make an announcement:


Prime Minister Allawi was set to introduce Finance Minister Mahdi. 

“Due to the constant assassinations from extremists within our own country, I have no choice but to appoint former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as Iraq’s next finance minister. Ariel Sharon will bring a hard-line approach to our new banking system, and he is the ideal candidate to make daily, public, announcements of the new economic index we are about to unveil.”

“Now, Taylor, as you may remember, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was voted out of office last week in a vote of no-confidence by his own Likud party in the Israeli Knesset. While it is surprising that a newly minted Islamic republic such as Iraq would name Sharon as its finance minister, this move brings with it a number of advantages. For instance, there is the remote chance that a high-profile post such as this will bring the extremists out of the sand lattice-work in an attempt to assassinate Sharon. Also, he is Jewish, so the world will assume that he is good with money. In addition, I am being informed by my analysts that Sharon has already proposed building concrete walls around all Iraqi banks and patrolling them with armed guards and helicopters. His hard-line policy of exterminating any and all suspected terrorists may be difficult to execute, but it will state emphatically to the world that Iraqi finances are secure. Hold on a moment, Taylor. Finance Minister Sharon is taking the podium.”

“Greetings and salutations to the people of Iraq. While it was once my policy to destroy Palestinian militants, it is now my policy to destroy financial weakness within Iraq and the world. I can think of no better way of doing so than the unveiling of this groundbreaking new economic indicator. This indicator includes the absolute most important financial factors of the world economy and produces a number which will reflect the daily state of the financial well-being of the world’s free nations. Its abbreviation shall be the BFOS, or Blood For Oil Syndicate. On a daily basis, the liters of blood shed in exchange for oil produced will be reflected in this simple number. This number will reflect the dynamic equilibrium as informed by the Hemostatic Multiplier, the Petroleum Production Determinant, the Actuarial Causality Quotient, and the Melanin Content Analysis Factor. Each day, minute by minute, my agency will compute these figures into a comprehensive number. I am delighted to announce that today’s BFOS is 4.78794!
(Raucous applause for several minutes)

“Taylor, the reaction of the crowd here today is absolutely unbelievable! If you pay close attention to the crawl, Alan Greenspan’s jumping up and down in excitement has ignited the DOW. It is skyrocketing by the second! I’ve got to sign off and call my broker. This is Tracy Jacobs reporting live from Bagdhad.

Move Over Soccer Moms

During the presidential race of 2000, many media outlets spent a great deal of time monitoring the so-called “soccer mom” demographic which was seen as key to winning the White House. 2004 is no different. This year has already spawned the NASCAR Dads and the “I Support Our Troops Liberals,” commonly referred to as ISOT Liberals. Our sources have told us that both campaigns are strategically altering their campaign pitches at different stump spots to appeal to these and other target groups.
For instance, at a recent campaign stop in Indianapolis, President Bush was “caught” off-camera blasting air-guitar to a Poison song while drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The staged off-camera moment was also lit so as to give President Bush the appearance of having a mullet, a popular hairstyle amongst the NASCAR Dad demographic. Two days later he met with Governor Schwartzenegger wearing a sombrero and telling the largely Latino crowd to “Aplauda sus manos por el Terminador!” He then gave a speech laying out more details of his plan to grant work visas and driver’s licenses to illegal Mexican immigrants.


President Bush jokes with aides after a "casual" photograph was taken depicting him playing air guitar. 

The Kerry campaign, however, was not to be outdone. At a recent stop in Berkeley, California, Kerry’s aides dressed him in flannel while softly playing Melissa Etheridge in the background in a subtle attempt to attract what’s known as the Lesbian Lumberjack vote. He spoke about his support of a local domestic partnership initiative which would grant cohabitating life partners some of the same rights as married couples.
Two days later, in a stop in Topeka, Kansas, Kerry was flipping pancakes at a local diner, jokingly called the Flip-Flopping Flapjack Fundraiser, while discussing the harmful effects the addition of a Wal-Mart has had on a local neighborhood. He pledged there to increase federal subsidies of failing crops and praised the traditional values of America’s heartland. Our analysts tell us this is a blanket appeal to the Stereotypical Farmer demographic which is seen as currently in the fold of either candidate.


John Kerry made a stop in Topeka, Kansas at the Flip-Flopping Flapjack Fundraiser. His remarks in Kansas were skewed toward the coveted Stereotypical Farmer demographic. 

In other news, the FBI is currently igniting controversy over its decision to interview protestors prior to the Republican National Convention which is little more than a week away. Critics are saying the move is reminiscent of the targeting of black civil-rights activists such as Martin Luther King, Jr. In response, the FBI has posted a FAQ on their website (www.fbi.gov) explaining that they are not, per se, interviewing “protestors.” They claim they are only responding to specific and credible threats of violence. In addition to interviewing potential terrorists on credible threats, they are also interviewing people who may know of a credible threat. When questioned about the type of violence they are targeting, the FBI responded that they are extremely concerned about protestors armed with squirt guns.
In an interview on CBS This Morning, FBI Director Robert Mueller told Dan Rather that the threat of squirt guns is “very real.” “Our extensive search of these potential terrorist ‘protestors’ credit records has revealed that a frighteningly large number of them possess squirt guns. These so-called ‘Super-Soaker’ squirt guns could easily be retrofitted with ammonia, toxic waste, or even urine. We simply cannot allow the possibility that a terrorist could bring a squirt gun to the convention and potentially contaminate the Commander-in-Chief with fecal matter. I mean, if anyone is going to be using large volumes of water as a scare tactic, it will be us, spraying the crowds with a fire hose.”
Finally, tonight we turn to Florida. The entire state is feeling the impact of the aftermath of Hurricane Charley. Millions are now homeless, and thousands of Florida Keys residents are swarming the islands trying to survey the damage. Next, on How Does That Make you Feel?, Jessica Wilson explores the effects the hurricane has had on those who were already homeless. We’ll meet a stereotypical homeless Vietnam veteran who says that he prophesied the coming of the hurricane and that no one listened. (Cut to clip)
“I’ve been saying for years that I keep dreaming about Charlie. I have for years. I wake up in a cold sweat every night knowing that someday Charlie would come to get me. Everyone told me I was crazy. . . I heard Charlie coming and I dug myself a trench. Hey! You said I could have a sip of your bourbon!”
That’s the news as it happens. This has been Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News. Khalid, come home soon.

Bush Appoints Howell New CIA Director

Bush Appoints Thurston Howell III New CIA Director, Causes Controversy

In a move today which the Democrats are calling “dangerous and partisan,” President Bush announced the appointment of Thurston Howell III as director of the CIA to replace both Porter Goss and George Tenet. Howell is most known for his role as chief proprietor of the island resort known as Gilligan’s Island. His son Thurston Howell IV is currently running the resort. Bush stated today that Howell’s financial prowess would make him the ideal candidate to helm the CIA during the war on terror. He claimed he knew “no better man to catch financial tricks our enemies would use against us.”
Democrats claim Howell’s appointment is to pay back financial favors incurred during a 1956 oil deal Howell’s firm brokered between the Bush and Saudi families. They also point to Howell’s utter lack of experience in espionage and his “old money” outlook that has not been changed by his long disappearance aboard the S.S. Minnow on what was supposed to be a routine three-hour tour.


Thurston Howell III and his wife, Lovey Howell. They are pictured reacting to a 1956 allegation of corporate malfeasance shortly before their disappearance. 

Democratic Vice-Presidential Candidate John Edwards spoke to reporters earlier today: “This is just another example of the two Americas I have spoken constantly about. There is the America where a rich man leaves his island resort to claim an important government post he doesn’t deserve. Then there is the America most of us live in where we struggle for years, living paycheck to paycheck, and won’t ever be able to afford to stay at Mr. Howell’s resort. There’s the America where the privileged few drink coconut milk while sitting in the sun, and the America for the rest of us, who struggle to buy milk as its cost rises in the Bush economy.”
Vice-President Cheney challenged the assertion that Howell is “out of touch with America” by calling Edwards an “ambulance-chasing jackal” and by calling Presidential candidate John Kerry a “fucking prep-school pussyboy.” He went on to say, “The truth is that Thurston Howell has not only survived a long separation from society, but he has come out stronger because of it. Howell knows the War on Terror isn’t just a three-hour tour, and he’ll be there to make sure our ship doesn’t sink ground on the shore of some deserted island of tyranny and oppression. If you want to see terrorist attacks that will make September 11th seem like a stay on Gilligan’s Island, then vote for John Kerry. We will keep America safe and we will take the War on Terror to the enemy, and we will not let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud!”


Vice-President Cheney spoke earlier today, calling Edwards an "ambulance-chasing jackal" and Kerry a "fucking prep-school pussyboy." 

Cheney then retired to a secure-and-undisclosed location where doctors are denying he had his 795th heart attack.
In other news, scientists have announced today that they have discovered the origins of feared stalker and murderer Freddy Kruger. It appears that Mr. Kruger is actually a deformed clone of 1970's rock group Queen’s lead singer Freddie Mercury. We are told that the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” is actually an epic ballad detailing Mercury’s transformation and transmutation following his tragic “Bicycle” accident. If seen, Mr. Kruger might be driven away by clapping your hands and chanting “We Will Rock You.”
Up next is Conspiracy Corner, with our own Liberty Pilgrim. We are bound by Article 457a of the Revised Patriot Act not to reveal her program’s content, but stay tuned. This is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.

This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner. I been assigned to follow the disappearances of Khalid Azar, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, and the apparent kidnaping of celebrity Alicia Silverstone. The network informs me that I am the only person with no conflict of interest; due to my status as an intern, I own no stocks in companies that invested in the study at the University of Arizona. Also, I’ve been told I’m, quote, “the only one here besides Chomsky wacked enough to maybe figure out what the fuck is going on.”
Despite the cynicism behind the move, I vowed that I would try to practice “responsible” journalism. I won’t automatically jump to the conclusion that the Tri-Lateral Commission had something to do with this, although I am tempted to, given Khalid’s reference to the penis-enlargement spam mail I think is a Grey plot.
So, after my daily communing with the trees outside my apartment today, I think I am sufficiently objective to tackle this “meaty” story with my keen Vegan senses. I started by interviewing Khalid’s wife to see if Khalid encoded any secret messages to her in his last broadcast. She said the only thing she thought was odd was that the monkeys are referring to themselves as Barakans. She thinks they must have some sort of mind-reading ability or that they learned the term “baraka” directly from Khalid. The term is used by Sufi Muslims to denote “spiritual energy.” This may provide some clue as to the mechanism by which the Barakans are able to exert influence over physical objects with their minds.
The next thing I did was attempt to contact the Department of Homeland Security to see if they had ascertained any clues as to Tom Ridge’s whereabouts. I re-watched his juggling performance on Letterman to see if he left any clues. I must say, I’m feeling very Nancy Drew. . .


The Department of Homeland Security still denies that Tom Ridge has been missing since his juggling performance on Letterman. 

Anyway, Homeland Security still denies he has disappeared. . . big shock. But they did tell me that the Terror Alert Level is at Burnt Umber about twenty times while I was on hold. The interesting thing about this is that the Bush junta’s usual blather about terrorist chatter. . . hey, I rhymed! Sorry. . . so they haven’t been hyping the shit out of any Al-Qaeda warnings, but they’re denying that the monkeys exist. I’m temporarily resisting my temptation to imply a relationship here, but it seems odd that the people who invoke the Patriot Act and September 11th every time they name a new dogcatcher wouldn’t be creaming themselves over terrorist monkeys. I mean, this would give them an excuse to destroy Nature and kill things at the same time.
But, setting that aside for a second, my next obvious contact was, of course, Dr. Jane Goodall. She had just returned from a six-month stint in Africa studying the mating habits of chimpanzees in the wild when she spoke with me earlier:
“There's absolutely no question that when non-human primates are put into the tiny, barren, sterile cages that are typical of almost all medical research facilities - such as those at Arizona State University - they suffer most terribly. They suffer from boredom. They suffer terribly from being kept in isolation from others of their kind because monkeys and apes are extremely social, and they suffer from depression. The same kind of clinical symptoms that a depressed human child shows are seen in many instances in monkeys and chimpanzees kept in these inhumane and shocking conditions.
Though I’m surprised at the violence of some of these monkeys, namely the one you refer to as Camus, I must say I’m not surprised that they’re acting the way they are. If you were to see the nobility of these animals in the wild, as opposed to the ones we keep cooped up, you would understand their yearning. I’m not saying I agree with their methods, as they are all too human, but I am probably one of the few humans who understand. If they are watching, I just want to say to them, settle down.”
She also volunteered to mediate the conflict in a peaceable fashion, provided that Alicia Silverstone is sent home safely as well as the others the Barakans have kidnaped. Hold on, I’m being pre-empted by Taylor Robinson.

Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson with breaking news. I’m being told that a team of federal agents has been dispatched to a remote location in Las Vegas, from where it is believed Khalid Azar’s most recent broadcast was sent. The claim is that they are looking for the hideout of known bookie Jacob Feldman. Thus far, the agents have not found anything, but an unnamed source tells me that they believe Alicia Silverstone is still alive. No word on whether any of their other victims are there or still alive. I return you now to Conspiracy Corner.



Jane Goodall has volunteered to mediate for the Barakans, provided that Alicia Silverstone is still alive. 

Well, our time’s up for this evening. Thus far, I can only say that I hope the “Barakans” decide to contact Jane Goodall and that this whole thing can be resolved peacefully. I will be broadcasting more frequently as I learn more about this, and no, loyal fans, I still haven’t ruled out the Greys. This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner.

SEND HELP!!!!

Testing. . . Testing. . . One. . . Two. . . Three. . . This is Khalid Azar for, aw shit, I don’t remember any of our sponsors and owners anymore. I have finally managed to get my camera up and running again. Trent, our former cameraman, who is still being confined, would be quite proud of how I “McGuyvered” this camera back to life. So many things have happened since the last time I broadcast. . . Honey, I love you.
These monkeys have moved us out of the Arizona State University Laboratory where they gained their powers and have taken us somewhere that I can only describe as extremely warm. I don’t know if anyone is tracing this broadcast. I’m assuming my captors are, but if anyone at home is watching, get on it!
As far as I can tell, the leader of these monkeys is named Camus. His brother is called Jeremiah, and it was Jeremiah who first stumbled onto his telekinetic abilities. The others in the group revere both Camus as their leader, and Jeremiah as their prophet. It seems that a number of these apes are able to affect physical objects within a certain proximity with their minds, but Jeremiah seems to be able to tap into information from anywhere, as if he were constantly connected to the Internet.
Jeremiah has told me that he was in his cage one night and started seeing a number of disturbing images. Apparently, from what I have ascertained from Manuel Brazosfuerte, a local TV station was airing “Planet of the Apes” and Jeremiah somehow received the signal mentally. Jeremiah tried to tell Brazosfuerte through sign language that he was “getting sick.” Brazosfuerte apparently tried to tell Dr. Schwartz about Jeremiah’s “sickness” but Schwartz kept insisting that their blood tests were normal and Brazosfuerte was imagining things.
I have since determined that Jeremiah somehow managed to catch a computer virus from his time online but that at first it was affecting only his implant. Jeremiah seems to think that his increased abilities are some combination of the device malfunctioning and a huge increase in his synaptic growth that resulted from his brain constantly being connected. The only record that I have seen acknowledging Jeremiah’s condition was a peculiar note from one of the assistants wondering why Jeremiah had a sudden fixation on penis enlargement and cheap prescription medication. Jeremiah’s synaptic growth is four thousand times greater than any of the other monkeys in the group, but all had seen marked increases in their synaptic activity prior to the end of the experiments.
Jeremiah seemed quite willing to talk to me and was trying to tell me about the circumstances surrounding Dr. Schwartz’s death. Dr. Schwartz was apparently going to cancel a follow-up experiment and separate the monkeys from each other, possibly even “euthenize” some of them. Jeremiah was telling me about their future plans after they escaped when Camus intervened and had me confined for several days.
I’m not entirely certain of the dynamics of their plans, but it seems there is a discrepancy between what Jeremiah and Camus want. Jeremiah is hoping to stage peaceful resistance to get the world community to recognize the sentience of rhesus monkeys, whereas Camus has been concentrating on learning guerilla tactics, and, in actuality, is sending out emissaries to actual gorillas in the wild. (Static)
Thought I was disconnected for a second there. It’s hard to gauge anything accurately here, as you can tell from the utter lack of a video feed, I’m being kept in a room with no lights. Periodically, some bananas are slipped through a small compartment in the door to my cell. I’m so fucking sick of bananas.
Transmission Interrupted)



I am Camus of the Sentient Race of Barakans. 

This is Camus, chosen leader of the Sentient Race of Barakans. You humans may know us better as rhesus monkeys. You have forty-eight hours to give us safe passage to Africa or we will kill Alicia Silverstone. I repeat, petty humans. You have forty-eight hours before we slaughter Alicia Silverstone.


You have forty-eight hours to comply before we slaughter your celebrity. 

Michael Jackson Attempting to Trap and Kill James Bond

Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson. Our correspondent Anne Wilson is in California to report on breaking news. Anne, what’s the story in California?
“Well, Taylor, I had originally flown to California to speak with Michael Jackson’s attorney concerning the disappearance of Michael’s chimp Bubbles. The rumors have been flying that the two had a falling-out over Michael’s ongoing legal troubles. One other rumor has it that Bubbles has escaped to join a secret movement of sentient, telekinetic monkeys whose location is still unknown. I had hoped to speak with Bubbles through an interpreter to see if he had, indeed, communicated with these monkeys and if he knew the whereabouts of our former anchor, Khalid Azar. Both the Justice Department and the Department of Defense have denied the existence of such a movement, but Khalid and Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge have now been missing for weeks in what may be related incidents.


 

However, when I arrived at Neverland I was greeted by a brigade of security personnel, clad in black, who bade me to wait in the office while Mr. Jackson attended to ‘some business.’ As I sit here I can see through a window that Mr. Jackson is currently struggling in a heavy thunderstorm atop the Ferris Wheel here at Neverland Ranch. At first I could not see the individual he was fighting, but he bears a striking resemblance to none other than famed playboy millionaire James Bond. I do not know the nature of the struggle, but it appears both men are fighting for their lives, and a few moments ago I heard Mr. Bond vehemently ask Mr. Jackson for the code to the “Thriller Bomb” as Mr. Jackson’s rhinoplasty nose fell in tatters to the pavement below. My sources at DARPA tell me that the Thriller Bomb is a theoretical device that when tied to a neutron bomb has the potential to turn its victims into brain-hungry zombies. When asked why such a device was ever theorized, my source replied, ‘for the worst possible reason. . . because we could.’
Hold on a moment. . . it appears that Mr. Jackson has been victorious over Mr. Bond and is binding him to the Ferris Wheel in such a way as to slowly and excruciatingly separate Bond’s limbs from his torso. Mr. Jackson has turned away from the Ferris Wheel and appears to be Moonwalking away from it. This is apparently to taunt Mr. Bond, or to express Mr. Jackson’s lack of interest in actually seeing Mr. Bond’s literal dismemberment. Mr. Jackson appears to be Moonwalking toward the ranch. We will keep rolling in the hope that I will not encounter the same fate as Mr. Bond.
Wait! Mr. Bond has miraculously escaped his binding and is sneaking up on Mr. Jackson! Mr. Bond appears to be armed, although where he obtained the weapon I do not know. Even playboy millionaires in Britain are not permitted to carry firearms, but Mr. Bond may have used a gun show loophole to purchase the gun in the U.S. He is now using the gun to threaten Mr. Jackson and is again demanding the code to the Thriller Bomb, which is apparently somewhere on Neverland Ranch and, according to the scrolling digits being broadcast across the Ranch, is set to detonate within minutes.
Mr. Jackson’s attempt to wrest the gun from Bond’s hands was met with a fatal gunshot. I cannot be certain, but it appears as though Jackson’s body is spuriously pumping green blood around the courtyard. Mr. Bond has disappeared into what appears to be a storm cellar. I’m going to try to get closer to the action. . . (Fade out)”
“Taylor, I’m back. I’m down in what seems to be an intricate underground tunnel system beneath the Neverland Valley Compound. Here I have found that Mr. Bond has freed a number of prisoners, which include several children scheduled for an “overnight” and Bond’s current girlfriend, a stripper from Miami named Delicious Valley. Mr. Bond is now trying to stop the Thriller Bomb from detonating with the assistance of Delicious Valley, who is apparently an adept computer programmer despite her current profession. As you can see from the digital readout, Mr. Bond has only ten seconds to go before all of us may be transformed into brain-hungry zombies. I never thought I’d say this, but if John Ashcroft or Janet Reno is watching, please come and destroy us! Wait. . . with only one second to go, Mr. Bond has successfully stopped the detonation. Mr. Bond, Mr. Bond, how do you feel having just saved the world from a horde of brain-hungry zombies?”
“I must say, I’m a bit shaken, but not too stirred.”