New Study Finds Most Clevelanders Excited to Finally Be Number One

A recent nationwide economic survey ranked Cleveland, Ohio as the poorest city in the nation. Cleveland Mayor Jane Campbell promised to launch an investigation and today the results are in. The investigation was funded by firing six more Cleveland teachers and giving their salaries to Barbara Byrd-Bennet to administrate and chair the committee.


Cleveland, a city in Ohio, was recently ranked the poorest city in the nation and as having the worst schools. Pictured here is Barbara Byrd-Bennet, who may or may not be Cleveland's mayor or superintendant or something. 

The respondents were asked six questions concerning what they had heard about the economic survey as well as questions about their spending habits and socio-economic habits. Some of the survey questions are as follows:

1. In a recent survey of U.S. Cities, Cleveland was listed as the Number One city in America, how does that make you feel?
A. Excited B. Overjoyed C. Intrigued D. All of the above

4. One of the plans to continue revitalization of Cleveland is to build a new convention center downtown. Would you support this initiative if:
A. There was a place for you to sleep? B. There was a designated place for you to beg for change? C. Special drinking fountain were installed that dispensed alcohol or crack? D. You knew we were going to do it regardless of cost or consequence?

6. The survey of U.S. cities also ranked Cleveland’s school-system as the worst in the nation. Which of the following initiatives to improve the schools would you support?
A. Firing more teachers and giving Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money B. A special tax levy to rebuild our crumbling school infrastructures and to give Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money. C. Allowing corporations to sponsor various classes and giving Barbara Byrd-Bennet more money. D. Renewing forced busing so that Cleveland’s children can get a decent education in Westlake, selling off the metal detectors in Cleveland schools, and donating the proceeds to Barbara Byrd-Bennet.


The scenic Cleveland skyline 


On a related note, President Bush was asked today what he thought about Cleveland’s ranking as the nation’s poorest city. Believing he was off the record, he responded, No way, Cleveland’s not still actually a city is it? I’m about to go to real city in a couple of days.”
When notified that he was on the record, he quickly changed his tune, “Well, I think my tax relief program is really helping to strengthen the economy and that Cleveland will find its job strength growing along with the rest of the nation.”
Senator Kerry could not be reached for comment although he did send the city of Cleveland one of his guitars to put in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is apparently centered in Cleveland.
In a few moments we’ll talk with Vice-Presidential Candidate John Edwards to hear his comments on the Republican National Convention in New York City. You’re watching Dieboldt Patriot News. . .

New Economic Indicator to be Revealed in Bagdhad

Investors worldwide today are anxiously awaiting the unveiling of a new economic index. The index’s creators claim it will be one of the most accurate prognosticators of the twists and turns of the world economy. The index will be read daily from Bagdhad, in what was once one of Saddam Hussein’s most lavish palaces. Among the illustrious guests scheduled to attend the unveiling of the new index are Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, Pope John Paul II, Bill Gates, Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia, President Karzai of Afghanistan, Secretary of State Colin Powell, Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan and Prime Minister Allawi of Iraq. Each guest, along with his entourage, will be viewing the unveiling from secure, “terrorist-proof” rooms on the mezzanine level above the floor of the palace. Our very own reporter, Tracy Jacobs is reporting live from Iraq.
Tracy, how would you describe the atmosphere of the palace?
“Well, Taylor, the excitement in the air is quite palpable. This is a very high-profile event, and the economic tension preceding this unveiling was made evident earlier today when Alan Greenspan sneezed and the DOW dipped 2000 points for half an hour until it was reported that Mr. Greenspan was still healthy and in good spirits. Our analysts have been trying to get a moment with Mr. Greenspan for several hours to see if he could shine some light on the nature of this index and what sort of effect good or bad results from it might have on the American economy. He has thus far remained coy, stating only that “it will make the NASDAQ seem like a waste of (expletive deleted) ticker-tape.”


Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is also in attendance today. The DOW took a 2000 point dive today when Mr. Greenspan sneezed, but it has since rebounded. 

“Mr. Allawi is about to take the podium, where he will introduce the new finance minister of Iraq, Abdel Abdul Mahdi. Wait, wait, it appear Finance Minister Mahdi was assassinated on the way over here. . . par for the course, I suppose. Wait, hold on a moment, Prime Minister Allawi is making an announcement. It appears that Prime Minister Allawi has allotted for this contingency and is in the process of appointing a new Iraqi finance minister. . . He’s about to make an announcement:


Prime Minister Allawi was set to introduce Finance Minister Mahdi. 

“Due to the constant assassinations from extremists within our own country, I have no choice but to appoint former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as Iraq’s next finance minister. Ariel Sharon will bring a hard-line approach to our new banking system, and he is the ideal candidate to make daily, public, announcements of the new economic index we are about to unveil.”

“Now, Taylor, as you may remember, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was voted out of office last week in a vote of no-confidence by his own Likud party in the Israeli Knesset. While it is surprising that a newly minted Islamic republic such as Iraq would name Sharon as its finance minister, this move brings with it a number of advantages. For instance, there is the remote chance that a high-profile post such as this will bring the extremists out of the sand lattice-work in an attempt to assassinate Sharon. Also, he is Jewish, so the world will assume that he is good with money. In addition, I am being informed by my analysts that Sharon has already proposed building concrete walls around all Iraqi banks and patrolling them with armed guards and helicopters. His hard-line policy of exterminating any and all suspected terrorists may be difficult to execute, but it will state emphatically to the world that Iraqi finances are secure. Hold on a moment, Taylor. Finance Minister Sharon is taking the podium.”

“Greetings and salutations to the people of Iraq. While it was once my policy to destroy Palestinian militants, it is now my policy to destroy financial weakness within Iraq and the world. I can think of no better way of doing so than the unveiling of this groundbreaking new economic indicator. This indicator includes the absolute most important financial factors of the world economy and produces a number which will reflect the daily state of the financial well-being of the world’s free nations. Its abbreviation shall be the BFOS, or Blood For Oil Syndicate. On a daily basis, the liters of blood shed in exchange for oil produced will be reflected in this simple number. This number will reflect the dynamic equilibrium as informed by the Hemostatic Multiplier, the Petroleum Production Determinant, the Actuarial Causality Quotient, and the Melanin Content Analysis Factor. Each day, minute by minute, my agency will compute these figures into a comprehensive number. I am delighted to announce that today’s BFOS is 4.78794!
(Raucous applause for several minutes)

“Taylor, the reaction of the crowd here today is absolutely unbelievable! If you pay close attention to the crawl, Alan Greenspan’s jumping up and down in excitement has ignited the DOW. It is skyrocketing by the second! I’ve got to sign off and call my broker. This is Tracy Jacobs reporting live from Bagdhad.

Move Over Soccer Moms

During the presidential race of 2000, many media outlets spent a great deal of time monitoring the so-called “soccer mom” demographic which was seen as key to winning the White House. 2004 is no different. This year has already spawned the NASCAR Dads and the “I Support Our Troops Liberals,” commonly referred to as ISOT Liberals. Our sources have told us that both campaigns are strategically altering their campaign pitches at different stump spots to appeal to these and other target groups.
For instance, at a recent campaign stop in Indianapolis, President Bush was “caught” off-camera blasting air-guitar to a Poison song while drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The staged off-camera moment was also lit so as to give President Bush the appearance of having a mullet, a popular hairstyle amongst the NASCAR Dad demographic. Two days later he met with Governor Schwartzenegger wearing a sombrero and telling the largely Latino crowd to “Aplauda sus manos por el Terminador!” He then gave a speech laying out more details of his plan to grant work visas and driver’s licenses to illegal Mexican immigrants.


President Bush jokes with aides after a "casual" photograph was taken depicting him playing air guitar. 

The Kerry campaign, however, was not to be outdone. At a recent stop in Berkeley, California, Kerry’s aides dressed him in flannel while softly playing Melissa Etheridge in the background in a subtle attempt to attract what’s known as the Lesbian Lumberjack vote. He spoke about his support of a local domestic partnership initiative which would grant cohabitating life partners some of the same rights as married couples.
Two days later, in a stop in Topeka, Kansas, Kerry was flipping pancakes at a local diner, jokingly called the Flip-Flopping Flapjack Fundraiser, while discussing the harmful effects the addition of a Wal-Mart has had on a local neighborhood. He pledged there to increase federal subsidies of failing crops and praised the traditional values of America’s heartland. Our analysts tell us this is a blanket appeal to the Stereotypical Farmer demographic which is seen as currently in the fold of either candidate.


John Kerry made a stop in Topeka, Kansas at the Flip-Flopping Flapjack Fundraiser. His remarks in Kansas were skewed toward the coveted Stereotypical Farmer demographic. 

In other news, the FBI is currently igniting controversy over its decision to interview protestors prior to the Republican National Convention which is little more than a week away. Critics are saying the move is reminiscent of the targeting of black civil-rights activists such as Martin Luther King, Jr. In response, the FBI has posted a FAQ on their website (www.fbi.gov) explaining that they are not, per se, interviewing “protestors.” They claim they are only responding to specific and credible threats of violence. In addition to interviewing potential terrorists on credible threats, they are also interviewing people who may know of a credible threat. When questioned about the type of violence they are targeting, the FBI responded that they are extremely concerned about protestors armed with squirt guns.
In an interview on CBS This Morning, FBI Director Robert Mueller told Dan Rather that the threat of squirt guns is “very real.” “Our extensive search of these potential terrorist ‘protestors’ credit records has revealed that a frighteningly large number of them possess squirt guns. These so-called ‘Super-Soaker’ squirt guns could easily be retrofitted with ammonia, toxic waste, or even urine. We simply cannot allow the possibility that a terrorist could bring a squirt gun to the convention and potentially contaminate the Commander-in-Chief with fecal matter. I mean, if anyone is going to be using large volumes of water as a scare tactic, it will be us, spraying the crowds with a fire hose.”
Finally, tonight we turn to Florida. The entire state is feeling the impact of the aftermath of Hurricane Charley. Millions are now homeless, and thousands of Florida Keys residents are swarming the islands trying to survey the damage. Next, on How Does That Make you Feel?, Jessica Wilson explores the effects the hurricane has had on those who were already homeless. We’ll meet a stereotypical homeless Vietnam veteran who says that he prophesied the coming of the hurricane and that no one listened. (Cut to clip)
“I’ve been saying for years that I keep dreaming about Charlie. I have for years. I wake up in a cold sweat every night knowing that someday Charlie would come to get me. Everyone told me I was crazy. . . I heard Charlie coming and I dug myself a trench. Hey! You said I could have a sip of your bourbon!”
That’s the news as it happens. This has been Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News. Khalid, come home soon.

Bush Appoints Howell New CIA Director

Bush Appoints Thurston Howell III New CIA Director, Causes Controversy

In a move today which the Democrats are calling “dangerous and partisan,” President Bush announced the appointment of Thurston Howell III as director of the CIA to replace both Porter Goss and George Tenet. Howell is most known for his role as chief proprietor of the island resort known as Gilligan’s Island. His son Thurston Howell IV is currently running the resort. Bush stated today that Howell’s financial prowess would make him the ideal candidate to helm the CIA during the war on terror. He claimed he knew “no better man to catch financial tricks our enemies would use against us.”
Democrats claim Howell’s appointment is to pay back financial favors incurred during a 1956 oil deal Howell’s firm brokered between the Bush and Saudi families. They also point to Howell’s utter lack of experience in espionage and his “old money” outlook that has not been changed by his long disappearance aboard the S.S. Minnow on what was supposed to be a routine three-hour tour.


Thurston Howell III and his wife, Lovey Howell. They are pictured reacting to a 1956 allegation of corporate malfeasance shortly before their disappearance. 

Democratic Vice-Presidential Candidate John Edwards spoke to reporters earlier today: “This is just another example of the two Americas I have spoken constantly about. There is the America where a rich man leaves his island resort to claim an important government post he doesn’t deserve. Then there is the America most of us live in where we struggle for years, living paycheck to paycheck, and won’t ever be able to afford to stay at Mr. Howell’s resort. There’s the America where the privileged few drink coconut milk while sitting in the sun, and the America for the rest of us, who struggle to buy milk as its cost rises in the Bush economy.”
Vice-President Cheney challenged the assertion that Howell is “out of touch with America” by calling Edwards an “ambulance-chasing jackal” and by calling Presidential candidate John Kerry a “fucking prep-school pussyboy.” He went on to say, “The truth is that Thurston Howell has not only survived a long separation from society, but he has come out stronger because of it. Howell knows the War on Terror isn’t just a three-hour tour, and he’ll be there to make sure our ship doesn’t sink ground on the shore of some deserted island of tyranny and oppression. If you want to see terrorist attacks that will make September 11th seem like a stay on Gilligan’s Island, then vote for John Kerry. We will keep America safe and we will take the War on Terror to the enemy, and we will not let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud!”


Vice-President Cheney spoke earlier today, calling Edwards an "ambulance-chasing jackal" and Kerry a "fucking prep-school pussyboy." 

Cheney then retired to a secure-and-undisclosed location where doctors are denying he had his 795th heart attack.
In other news, scientists have announced today that they have discovered the origins of feared stalker and murderer Freddy Kruger. It appears that Mr. Kruger is actually a deformed clone of 1970's rock group Queen’s lead singer Freddie Mercury. We are told that the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” is actually an epic ballad detailing Mercury’s transformation and transmutation following his tragic “Bicycle” accident. If seen, Mr. Kruger might be driven away by clapping your hands and chanting “We Will Rock You.”
Up next is Conspiracy Corner, with our own Liberty Pilgrim. We are bound by Article 457a of the Revised Patriot Act not to reveal her program’s content, but stay tuned. This is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.

This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner. I been assigned to follow the disappearances of Khalid Azar, Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, and the apparent kidnaping of celebrity Alicia Silverstone. The network informs me that I am the only person with no conflict of interest; due to my status as an intern, I own no stocks in companies that invested in the study at the University of Arizona. Also, I’ve been told I’m, quote, “the only one here besides Chomsky wacked enough to maybe figure out what the fuck is going on.”
Despite the cynicism behind the move, I vowed that I would try to practice “responsible” journalism. I won’t automatically jump to the conclusion that the Tri-Lateral Commission had something to do with this, although I am tempted to, given Khalid’s reference to the penis-enlargement spam mail I think is a Grey plot.
So, after my daily communing with the trees outside my apartment today, I think I am sufficiently objective to tackle this “meaty” story with my keen Vegan senses. I started by interviewing Khalid’s wife to see if Khalid encoded any secret messages to her in his last broadcast. She said the only thing she thought was odd was that the monkeys are referring to themselves as Barakans. She thinks they must have some sort of mind-reading ability or that they learned the term “baraka” directly from Khalid. The term is used by Sufi Muslims to denote “spiritual energy.” This may provide some clue as to the mechanism by which the Barakans are able to exert influence over physical objects with their minds.
The next thing I did was attempt to contact the Department of Homeland Security to see if they had ascertained any clues as to Tom Ridge’s whereabouts. I re-watched his juggling performance on Letterman to see if he left any clues. I must say, I’m feeling very Nancy Drew. . .


The Department of Homeland Security still denies that Tom Ridge has been missing since his juggling performance on Letterman. 

Anyway, Homeland Security still denies he has disappeared. . . big shock. But they did tell me that the Terror Alert Level is at Burnt Umber about twenty times while I was on hold. The interesting thing about this is that the Bush junta’s usual blather about terrorist chatter. . . hey, I rhymed! Sorry. . . so they haven’t been hyping the shit out of any Al-Qaeda warnings, but they’re denying that the monkeys exist. I’m temporarily resisting my temptation to imply a relationship here, but it seems odd that the people who invoke the Patriot Act and September 11th every time they name a new dogcatcher wouldn’t be creaming themselves over terrorist monkeys. I mean, this would give them an excuse to destroy Nature and kill things at the same time.
But, setting that aside for a second, my next obvious contact was, of course, Dr. Jane Goodall. She had just returned from a six-month stint in Africa studying the mating habits of chimpanzees in the wild when she spoke with me earlier:
“There's absolutely no question that when non-human primates are put into the tiny, barren, sterile cages that are typical of almost all medical research facilities - such as those at Arizona State University - they suffer most terribly. They suffer from boredom. They suffer terribly from being kept in isolation from others of their kind because monkeys and apes are extremely social, and they suffer from depression. The same kind of clinical symptoms that a depressed human child shows are seen in many instances in monkeys and chimpanzees kept in these inhumane and shocking conditions.
Though I’m surprised at the violence of some of these monkeys, namely the one you refer to as Camus, I must say I’m not surprised that they’re acting the way they are. If you were to see the nobility of these animals in the wild, as opposed to the ones we keep cooped up, you would understand their yearning. I’m not saying I agree with their methods, as they are all too human, but I am probably one of the few humans who understand. If they are watching, I just want to say to them, settle down.”
She also volunteered to mediate the conflict in a peaceable fashion, provided that Alicia Silverstone is sent home safely as well as the others the Barakans have kidnaped. Hold on, I’m being pre-empted by Taylor Robinson.

Good evening, this is Taylor Robinson with breaking news. I’m being told that a team of federal agents has been dispatched to a remote location in Las Vegas, from where it is believed Khalid Azar’s most recent broadcast was sent. The claim is that they are looking for the hideout of known bookie Jacob Feldman. Thus far, the agents have not found anything, but an unnamed source tells me that they believe Alicia Silverstone is still alive. No word on whether any of their other victims are there or still alive. I return you now to Conspiracy Corner.



Jane Goodall has volunteered to mediate for the Barakans, provided that Alicia Silverstone is still alive. 

Well, our time’s up for this evening. Thus far, I can only say that I hope the “Barakans” decide to contact Jane Goodall and that this whole thing can be resolved peacefully. I will be broadcasting more frequently as I learn more about this, and no, loyal fans, I still haven’t ruled out the Greys. This is Liberty Pilgrim for Conspiracy Corner.