Mayor Campbell of Cleveland Admits Own Incompetence
City Shrugs in Response
At a press conference in Cleveland, OH packed with economists, unemployed steel workers, and teachers who were fired to free up more money for Barbara Byrd-Bennett, Mayor Jane Campbell ceremoniously washed her hands in Cleveland’s polluted waters, indicating that she was giving up the mayorship for a wide range of reasons.
“It just really struck me the other day as I noticed our city has descended even further down the economic ladder since I took office; I am a horrible mayor. I have no clue how to properly manage an inner city packed largely with African-Americans. To be honest, I’ve never really felt comfortable around black people, and growing up in the suburbs, I’d always considered downtown Cleveland a Forbidden Zone like in Planet of the Apes. I actually only ever ran for mayor of this no-horse town because I thought it might get me closer to my idol Martha Stewart or some air time on The Antiques Roadshow. Alright, I’m laying it all on the line. . . I suck at this.
Mayor Jane Campbell of Cleveland prepares to wash her hands in Cleveland's polluted waters. She is pictured here with her Diversity Advisory Board.
However, there is a silver lining. By courageously taking the mantle of leadership away from Raymond Pierce, who was much more qualified than me to be mayor, I have taken pressure off of other leaders here for Cleveland’s utter failure to be economically or culturally relevant to the rest of the country in decades.
By the way, to rectify this situation, we’re firing the rest of the teachers in Cleveland, and Barbara Byrd-Bennett will now be sworn in as mayor. I will continue to draw a salary for the rest of my term, and will continue to draw heavily on city resources to feather my own nest. Thank you very much, and thank you especially to the Ritz Carlton for catering this press conference at taxpayer expense."
Mayor Campbell then left the podium to eat baluga caviar and discuss Cleveland's economic woes, ironically without once addressing the issues of homelessness or joblessness. A reporter stopped her briefly to ask an economic policy question, but was interrupted by Campbell, who tugged her jacket lapel and said proudly, "It's a Donna Karen."
Mayor Jane Campbell of Cleveland with her security entourage of Cleveland Police officers getting paid overtime. File photo.
At a press conference in Cleveland, OH packed with economists, unemployed steel workers, and teachers who were fired to free up more money for Barbara Byrd-Bennett, Mayor Jane Campbell ceremoniously washed her hands in Cleveland’s polluted waters, indicating that she was giving up the mayorship for a wide range of reasons.
“It just really struck me the other day as I noticed our city has descended even further down the economic ladder since I took office; I am a horrible mayor. I have no clue how to properly manage an inner city packed largely with African-Americans. To be honest, I’ve never really felt comfortable around black people, and growing up in the suburbs, I’d always considered downtown Cleveland a Forbidden Zone like in Planet of the Apes. I actually only ever ran for mayor of this no-horse town because I thought it might get me closer to my idol Martha Stewart or some air time on The Antiques Roadshow. Alright, I’m laying it all on the line. . . I suck at this.
Mayor Jane Campbell of Cleveland prepares to wash her hands in Cleveland's polluted waters. She is pictured here with her Diversity Advisory Board.
However, there is a silver lining. By courageously taking the mantle of leadership away from Raymond Pierce, who was much more qualified than me to be mayor, I have taken pressure off of other leaders here for Cleveland’s utter failure to be economically or culturally relevant to the rest of the country in decades.
By the way, to rectify this situation, we’re firing the rest of the teachers in Cleveland, and Barbara Byrd-Bennett will now be sworn in as mayor. I will continue to draw a salary for the rest of my term, and will continue to draw heavily on city resources to feather my own nest. Thank you very much, and thank you especially to the Ritz Carlton for catering this press conference at taxpayer expense."
Mayor Campbell then left the podium to eat baluga caviar and discuss Cleveland's economic woes, ironically without once addressing the issues of homelessness or joblessness. A reporter stopped her briefly to ask an economic policy question, but was interrupted by Campbell, who tugged her jacket lapel and said proudly, "It's a Donna Karen."
Mayor Jane Campbell of Cleveland with her security entourage of Cleveland Police officers getting paid overtime. File photo.
posted by Kevin E. Cleary | 8:10 PM
|
0 comments
