President Bush, you'll get this election from me when you pry it from my cold, dead, hands! 

Trailing Democrats Try Vaudeville

A recent Gallup poll has shown that President Bush is currently thirteen points ahead of contender Senator John Kerry. Democratic insiders have been pushing their candidates to be more pressing on domestic and foreign issues such as the war in Iraq, the economy, and the war on terror. The campaign, in the past two weeks, has attempted to hammer the administration on such issues as Halliburton’s no-bid contracts in Iraq, the desertion of key allies in Iraq, and most notably, the expiration of the Assault Weapons Ban. All of these issues have yet to take hold, and many see the Kerry campaign as slipping into oblivion.
With that in mind, the Kerry campaign has started attempting to liven up their campaign stops with vaudeville-style performances. Campaign strategist Bob Shrum, who helped Gore lose the election in 2000, explains: “People are tired of seeing the same speeches and attack politics at every campaign stop. They’re tired of hearing the same old promises and denunciations. They want to see some showmanship.”
Starting Tuesday, John Kerry and Senator Edwards tried to put Shrum’s advice into play. John Kerry gave a speech in Wisconsin laying out his plan to give affordable health care to Americans and called the Bush administration a “bunch of lying worms.” He then proceeded to thunk a jar of worms onto the podium and eat a handful of the worms. After swallowing, he finished, “President Bush, I eat worms like you for breakfast.”
White House spokesman McClellan responded, “This is unbelievable pandering to the lowest common denominator. I think he is doing a disservice to those who died on September 11th by treating this election like an episode of Fear Factor.”


John Kerry conducted a rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" at an Atlanta picnic. He then substantially criticized the Bush administration while drinking a glass of water.  


Edwards wowed a Memphis crowd with a tender rendition of "In the Ghetto" before giving his 4000th a capella rendition of "The Two Americas Speech" 


McClellan then went on to mention September 11th five more times and briefly mentioned that the Bush administration is “closely monitoring” the “situation” in North Korea, but there are currently no plans to intervene militarily.
“Look, unlike Saddam Hussein lying about not having weapons of mass destruction related programs, Kim Jong II is clearly trying to give us the impression that he has them. We’re not going to fall for it. In this case, the smoking gun must be a mushroom cloud because we’ve committed all our troops to go into the meat-grinder in Iraq.”
When asked if this situation wouldn’t have been a better test of President Bush’s pre-emptive strike policy, McClellan responded that the post September 11th world dictated that we invade Iraq, but not North Korea.


Kim Jong II denies reports that the Barakans have been given safe haven in North Korea and that the explosions last week were related to nuclear testing. 

On a related note, our sources tell us that Kim Jon II arranged to secretly transport a group of sentient, telekinetic monkeys who call themselves the Barakans to North Korea. We have no other information at this time, but it believed that our own reporter Khalid Azar is still among them. Dr. Jane Goodall could not be reached for comment, but we did speak with the handlers of famous gorilla Koko. They are disinclined to believe in the existence of the Barakans as the Bush administration still denies they exist, but they have surreptitiously removed Koko’s ability to access the Internet. That’s the news as it happens, this is Taylor Robinson for Dieboldt Patriot News.


While still denying the existence of the Barakans, Koko's handler's have surreptitously removed her access to the Internet.  

The Republican National Convention Goes Off Without a Hitch.